Foo-Fighters

Fights suck.

Husband, parents, children, best friends or co-workers. After an altercation you usually want to make amends in someway. Maybe it's a cold beer after a few punches. An email from a friend after a stupid fight. A good old fashioned shag with your hubby after an intense scream fest over the size of your family (ahem).

Then there are the fights that offer no resolution. There is no point. You will never see exactly eye to eye. You will never truly be at peace with the other person and you know the fights, well, they just keep coming.

And to me a fight can sometimes be therapeutic. You throw it out there. You take the other's crap and after you mull it over you can sort through the bs and find a middle ground. You grow stronger. Because generally you care enough to fight it out. You care about getting through the issues-to the other side. These fights I can take. In fact they are NECESSARY.

It's the stinky poo-poo heads that you will never ever resolve anything with but have no choice but to try anyway because, like it or not, you will be saddle-bagged to one another for AT LEAST the next 8 years.

And you really don't care. But you do. Because of the little person that, someday, you hope will grow up to be a NON-douche that actually cares about someone other than themselves.

Fighting is with THEM is futile.

Throwing a flaming bag of dog poo on their porch? Not THAT may get us somewhere.

Ma and Pa Kettle

My office smells like a teenager's Ford Focus.

Bubble yum bubble gum- Watermelon.

We have one of those spray thingies that they put a different scent in every month and think the guy came Monday, but I have been so stuffy with sinus crap that I just smelled it today.

Well Monday I was supposed to take my monthly trip to CVS to get my bp pills and Eric was all, "Why don't you just not go get them."

"Ha Ha", Chuckle, Chuckle, "OK honey"

"No, I'm serious, Let's just let things happen."

I just kinda stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out if he was serious or not. We have already been through this once when Conner was SIX WEEKS OLD.

"Are you sure?"

I started all the usual (and important) reason why having a baby right now (even though I am aware it could take another FOUR years.)

Finances

Space

Time

And he was all "It will work out".

So I didn't go get them.

AND I HAVEN'T LET HIM TOUCH ME.

AHEM.

The truth is.

I don't want to be pregnant right now. I didn't know how I would feel at a year since it was so difficult getting Conner here. I love my baby. I am completely insanely smitten with both my off springs. IN THE FUTURE (I don't know how long), I am gonna probably want one more little darling to hopefully grace our home with more baby puke and boogers(hopefully pink ones), but right now I IS TIRED.

Eric works nights.

Which means that I work every night.

I have had FOUR solid nights sleep in the past year.

I am not complaining. Just stating facts.

Now he is all butt hurt that I wont just lie back and let him plant his seed.

I feel guilty because even when he was not sure about Conner, I was. I knew having him would be the best thing we had ever done. He finally got on board but not at first. Now he is trying to do the convincing and I am sticking my fingers in my ears. But I is MY body that has to Carry another baby so soon. My boobs that will be the babies sole source of nutrition for six months. My feet that will resemble water balloons for ten months.

I just need another six months.

Or year...

Sigh...but I think he is serious.

And I feel like a bully.

Fall is in the air.

I can taste it.

Feel it.

Maybe it is because we have had 110 degree days and today it is in the lower 80's, but I still think the season is a changin.

I love, love, love fall.

I love the light jackets and the changing of the leaves. I like to take hikes and bike rides.

I love the pumpkins and the fall vegetables.

I like the crisp air and the clean feeling deep in your lungs. The kind of days where you don't feel the need to shower by lunch time, even though all you did was walk to your car but you are dripping with sweat and you shoes are all sweaty and gross.

Summer.

I am soooo over you.

Bena-chill!

The baby and I were hit with crippling allergies yesterday(on E's first day of school) and we both look pit-e-ful.

I sneezed and cried my way through the day, and when I went to pick him put he looked miserable.

I am really weird about medicine. I am not against it per say I just really have to feel they need it before I will give them anything and I always like to get the pharmacist's take on whatever it is that I am going to be administering cause let's face it; that is what they went to school for and they usually know more about the drugs than the doctors.

The pharmacist is going over the specifics of the different allergy meds and we decided on the basic benadryl since this was Conner's first bout with allergies. Pharmacist was going over the side effects and of course I know in the back of my mind, benadryl= more rest for baby AND mommy. "This medication cause marked drowsiness in most infants, but there are a few that get pretty anxious and WOUND (THE FUCK*)UP.

That is the moment that the cruel unjust hand of fate leaned over and whispered into my ear, "JINX"

My child was on all fours headbanging for about two hours in my living room last night. He would not eat and not only would he not eat he would throw everything I gave him in the floor and laugh. He climbed. He pulled the cats tail. Head butted his brother and almost made him cry. OH OH OH and poked me repeatedly in my allergy ridden eyes saying "Eye, Eye".

Eric in full charge tonight. Eye am going to bed ASAP.

*My words, not his.

A decade

10 years ago today I was handed a red-faced, screaming baby and called mom. I want to say that I was overcome with maternal instinct. That I instantly became this title. Mother.

The fact is however, that I was terrified.

What was I supposed to do now?

Surely they are not going to leave me alone with this tiny little baby and expect me to keep him alive, ALL BY MYSELF!!?!

But they did.

Later that evening I remember looking over at him in his little plastic bed and we locked eyes.

His eyes pierced my very soul.

That was when it came rushing in like a flood.

I will never forget that look.

The look of dependency.

The look of questions.

The first time to feel such a powerful love. The kind you would do anything for.

This creature was mine.

I could do this.

This morning I was awaken by those same eyes a decade later.

"Mom, Can I sleep in here for just a little while?"

I smiled and rearranged the covers and got him settled in.

"Happy birthday, son."

He smiled and we locked eyes.

"Thank you, mom"

July wrap-up

Where in the heck did summer go? 3 weeks until school starts? E is excited about school starting back. He can't wait. He is planning on asking the girl of his dreams to be his girlfriend. He has been planning all week. Can I get a collective Aawwwww?? He is starting football too, and for some reason he feels that this is going to cinch his cool status at school. I hope it does and I guess if he doesn't walk away with a concussion, it will be worth it.

Connor is just steps away from walking. He will stand in the middle of the floor all by himself but he just won't take that first step. I am kinda excited but not enough to loose my little baby that needs to be carried by hims, mommy. He says: Mama, Dada, & kitty. He points at everything he wants and physically throws his whole body away from anything he doesn't want. Last night I was trying to give him an animal cracker and he didn't want it because he wanted my pop-corn. Every time I would offer the cracker he would get on the floor and hide his head. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. Eric walked through and made me stop torturing him.

Life just feels so good right now.

There is some stuff that we wish we weren't going through. Bills are kinda crappy and we don't have a money tree in the backyard. But we are so happy.

I feel content.

I feel happy.

I went to church yesterday.

Not because I felt I needed too.

Just becuase I wanted to.

I went with the purpose of simply giving thanks for all we have.

I have had a strained relationship with God for awhile.

Church has always been an obligation.

Praying was something I was supposed to do.

Being a preacher's kid and pastor's grandkid always left me feeling judged. I know everything there is to know about religion, the bible, what you should and shouldn't do, but I don't think I ever really learned what MY relationship with God is like.

It's something I wanna know.

I want to come to God with no motives.

I did Sunday.

I think I can handle this kind of relationship.

The other was much too stressfull.