Joyful

Hello Darlin,

Nice to see ya.

It's been a long tiiiiiiimmmee, your just as lovely....

Ok. Stop throwing the tomatoes. I was just telling you how much I missed you and there were days when I thought about sitting down to write but then the baby would break through the baby gate and get a blue highlighter and commence to painting himself like a smurf.

Then there was this one time I started to tell you how awful my other job was to me when they found out about my other gig and they shorted me some hours, making it to where I had to call new boss and see about starting the other job early because I would be going a whole month without pay if I had started when I was supposed to.

Oh Yea.

I get paid once a month.

Like a teacher.

But I'm not, cause while I love my kids, I don't want to be cooped up in a room 26 other little darlings that eat crayons, or drive their teachers crazy with tech decks, or sneak there cell phones into class so they can text each other while they are sitting right next to each other. No way.

I went the opposite end other the spectrum.

It has nothing to do with butts as I just went back and read that.

I work with the elderly and disabled, making sure they have their bill paid while they are in the nursing home. I love it so much.

It is the kind of job, that when you look up, you realize you have been working for hours and it is either lunch time or time to go home.

The job is challenging and rewarding and just makes me happy.

Plus!

I have my OWN office.

My OWN phone line. (That Eric tried to prank call me on and was not so pleasantly surprised to find that I have caller ID. Hee Hee.

Gosh there is so much to tell but I have to get ready to go to my amazing job.

I will be reading and checking up on your blogs as fast as I can.

There are a few of you that have had a tough time from what I can tell and I am unbelievable sorry for your loss.

And some that have gotten answers to your prayers and that makes me giddy.

My family could be healthier, happier.

And I couldn't be more grateful, blessed.

Love Ya!

The mirror

"You don't have to nit-pick every single thing I do, ALL THE TIME", I said hotly.

"I wasn't."

"I just walked in the door. What is wrong with you?"

I looked at him through the bathroom mirror and said, "I am worried that I am not going to be able to do this job, when I have such a hard time managing our family."

There is was.

I wasn't mad at Eric. I was just afraid.

How many times have you said something harsh to your spouse or kids because you have nowhere else to lay the fear and the angst?

I do it way to often.

Eric knows me so well and he does get irritated but on days like today he just lets it roll off his back.

"You are going to do great at your job, ya know."

God, I love that man.

Eric steers our ship.

Sure I like to think that I am the brains of the operations.(I am soooo not.)

The planner, saver, shopper, cook, maid, hug giver etc.

But he is our captain.

He is the guide.

The more I learn about my relationship with my Savior, the more I learn about my relationship with my husband and THAT is exactly where I want to be.

Loving God completely gives me the power to love my husband in ways I never dreamed.

Who knew?

Inhibition? What inhibition.

Did yall see that crazy lady that climbed the local water tower and sat up there screaming, "I got it. I got the job"!!!!

Ok. So I didn't actually do that but if I was in better shape, and that water tower wasn't on the other side of town, you would be staring at my big butt as I shimmy up the latter.

I wanna dance.

I wanna sing.

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not too loud as we might scare it.

So what have I been up too?

Hmmm.

We had a fantastic birthday party but I don't have home Internet right now so I can't upload the pics. We did the number "1" theme complete with a cupcake-cake shaped in a "1". Super cute. Anyone that is having a *midget b-day party, I highly recommend investing in a bubble maker. Eric got one at Wal-mart for six bucks and it was a huge hit. In fact we are still using it when Conner gets fussy and we want to calm him down.

E is still kicking some little league football booty, playing center. This has been quite an experience for me since I don't know jack about football and really don't care to know. But my little boy's job is to be the hiker and protect the quarter-back(I think). He is good at it and they have only lost one game and it was super close. His only beef is that he had to tackle a girl the other night and he felt weird(awww).

I applied for a very good job that I am border-line scared off but want so badly. It would be changing fields, somewhat, but taking what I love about my job and getting to do it all the time. It's workin for the man though so there are a bunch of hoops and the interview was one of those that you don't get to talk about what YOU want to talk about, it is a pre-determined list of questions like; describe a specific office conflict you have had in the past and how to deal with it. So I am going to say it was definitely not my best interview.

Also, here is a little tidbit about me. I tend to ramble about really weird and personal stuff when I am nervous, or sceered, whatever you want to call it. I may or may not have told my interviewer that I debated on eating lunch and I did and now my tummy was making weird noises. I actually said that.

THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS.

She laughed, but it was in that weird-uncomfortable way.

Then, I was thinking, "Wow, I think that totally broke the ice."

Now, I am thinking, "I am a MO--Ron".

I really, REALLY want this job.

It may end my blogging career..hardie har.. but I still want it.

I won't know their decision until next week so until then I will pray, hold my breath, make bargains, be nice to everyone I come in contact with(just in case), and pray some more.

Also I am thinking about dressing Connor up as King Julian, king of the lemurs in Madagascar, for all you people that are lucky enough to not have watched that movie 60,000 times this year. I think it will be cute and I can get the costume online for about 10 bucks.

Anyone else craving some pumpkin pie?

Retraction

I had to take down the last post because I came home to a beautifully cleaned house. See I told ya he reads my blog. It made me feel loved and understood.

It's his party and I'll cry if I want to.

I feel sorry for my kids today.

I feel bad that they don't have a mother who can plan birthday parties months in advance complete with a huge guest list, ponies, clowns..scratch the scary clowns..., but GAH!!

Conner's birthday is in three days and ask me what I have done in honor of the baby that I literally STOOD ON MY HEAD to have.

Nothing, zilcho, nadda, zero.

I don't have the cake ordered. I didn't send out invitations. I thought, "meh, I'll get to it."

That was a month ago and I simply never got to it.

Now I am all shitty and depressed that my baby won't have a good party Saturday and he will hate me and his dad will be his new favorite person when all he is going to do it SHOW UP!

And now I am all mad at Eric and he is not here to defend himself.

The reality is. Our family is well aware of his special day.

The ones that matter in his life will show up and don a party hat and watch him tear the shit out of his cake.

Then we will have a great dinner and laugh as a mess is made of the freshly cleaned dining room. And it will be ok.

It will be O-KIZ-AY. (Sorry, I have been watching a bunch of Madagascar)

He is here. He is healthy.

We will celebrate his first year of life Saturday with all our hearts.

I feel better now.

Grace and patience

My life is changing.

I didn't start this change. I am not even sure how it happened.

I am a new person.

I feel this urgency churning in my soul.

Something is happening in my life and I finally feel receptive for the plans laid out for me.

I am embracing my future.

I am loving my God.

Ok, I feel strange with that last statement.

I grew up in church.

Everyone around me seemed to get God. Seemed to hear him when he spoke. They has things figured out. Or so it seemed.

I pretended. I got very good at acting and I am sure I had some sort of relationship with Christ, but I wasn't a very good one. I knew what I was supposed to do and say to blend in with everyone else. I knew how to look "spiritual". But it was never me.
Finally when I just couldn't seem to find truth or make sense out of everyone elses truth, I gave up. I just couldn't live like them. It was too hard not to sin. As hard as I tried for perfection I just couldn't get there and I was tired.


For 10 years I pretended not to care. For a decade I have live the way I wanted. Done what was best for me. I didn't need God and he didn't need me. There were plenty of other people to do his will and I was happy to go my own way.

But he does need me!

He has my purpose.

I am his.

UHHGGGG. This sounds so cliche.

It is wonderful and crazy at the same time.

Everywhere I go I want to say, "Hey, Guess what"?

"I am tight with God again"

And then I feel all weird and like I can't go around yelling that. But I want to. Becuase

"Hey"

"Jesus is my homie"

OOH OOH AHH AHH

How is my half-assed job hunt going?

Well, let's see. I was told at an informal interview that a monkey could do my current job. But I was also told they probably couldn't afford me.

?

???

So, I am so great at doing so little, that I am worth a butt load.

That is the only positive spin I can put on it.

It's kinda funny actually.

I would be laughing if it were not so sad.

Gestapo? Me?

Today, I am thinking about the defining roles that Eric and I carry in our house.

He is the person that takes care of all the breaks, leaks, grass mowin, animal feeding, tire kicking, and big furniture moving. You know all the big male stuff that little ole' me can't handle.

I do the women's work. I know its sexist but my dad calls it that. Eric insinuates it. E is already jumping on the bandwagon with, "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" and "I need clean socks!" Even the baby totally knows who to turn to when tummy is empty or boo boos need to be kissed. I do what I can to keep the house somewhat presentable. I am no Martha Stewart, but I am what they were given and I think they are satisfied for the most part.

And you know what? I totally love it. Sure, I may act offended sometimes when I come home and they are laying across the bar barely able to lift their limp, malnourished bodies because between the two of them (Conner is still totally innocent here) they can't figure out that a (made by them) pb&j will totally take that hunger pain away until mom can get in here and make dinner.

The real job I am questioning, is the one of the financial planner.

The money distributor.

The bill payer.

The financial. decision. maker.

I don't wanna do that anymore.

I have always been the one to pay the bills, calculate the budget and keep things rockin along.

We have had to make some drastic cuts these last couple of months and since I handle the money, I kinda feel like I am the bad guy handing out the meager allowances and cheep stipends for our weekly needs.

Eric refuses to keep up with the balance of the checkbook which makes ME have to tell him what is in there when he wants to make a purchase.

I kinda hate it.

We work so very hard and I just don't wanna be the doom and gloom of spend thrift all the time.

Sometimes I want HIM to give me my allowance and let me skip off freely while he handles the cable bill. HMMPH

In the face.

"Wow, your pregnant!"

I stared at Eric in the mirror as I was getting ready for work. "What makes you think that?"

"It's the same way I could tell last time", he crowed.

I start visually checking all my fatty deposits, ie: boobs, butt, tummy.

"No, you don't look fat." "I can just tell it in your face."

I just stared at him (silently thinking about punch him in the face.

Eric in sitting on the merry go round, calling for me to join him.

There are so many reasons not to.

Maybe the decision has already been made.

Foo-Fighters

Fights suck.

Husband, parents, children, best friends or co-workers. After an altercation you usually want to make amends in someway. Maybe it's a cold beer after a few punches. An email from a friend after a stupid fight. A good old fashioned shag with your hubby after an intense scream fest over the size of your family (ahem).

Then there are the fights that offer no resolution. There is no point. You will never see exactly eye to eye. You will never truly be at peace with the other person and you know the fights, well, they just keep coming.

And to me a fight can sometimes be therapeutic. You throw it out there. You take the other's crap and after you mull it over you can sort through the bs and find a middle ground. You grow stronger. Because generally you care enough to fight it out. You care about getting through the issues-to the other side. These fights I can take. In fact they are NECESSARY.

It's the stinky poo-poo heads that you will never ever resolve anything with but have no choice but to try anyway because, like it or not, you will be saddle-bagged to one another for AT LEAST the next 8 years.

And you really don't care. But you do. Because of the little person that, someday, you hope will grow up to be a NON-douche that actually cares about someone other than themselves.

Fighting is with THEM is futile.

Throwing a flaming bag of dog poo on their porch? Not THAT may get us somewhere.

Ma and Pa Kettle

My office smells like a teenager's Ford Focus.

Bubble yum bubble gum- Watermelon.

We have one of those spray thingies that they put a different scent in every month and think the guy came Monday, but I have been so stuffy with sinus crap that I just smelled it today.

Well Monday I was supposed to take my monthly trip to CVS to get my bp pills and Eric was all, "Why don't you just not go get them."

"Ha Ha", Chuckle, Chuckle, "OK honey"

"No, I'm serious, Let's just let things happen."

I just kinda stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out if he was serious or not. We have already been through this once when Conner was SIX WEEKS OLD.

"Are you sure?"

I started all the usual (and important) reason why having a baby right now (even though I am aware it could take another FOUR years.)

Finances

Space

Time

And he was all "It will work out".

So I didn't go get them.

AND I HAVEN'T LET HIM TOUCH ME.

AHEM.

The truth is.

I don't want to be pregnant right now. I didn't know how I would feel at a year since it was so difficult getting Conner here. I love my baby. I am completely insanely smitten with both my off springs. IN THE FUTURE (I don't know how long), I am gonna probably want one more little darling to hopefully grace our home with more baby puke and boogers(hopefully pink ones), but right now I IS TIRED.

Eric works nights.

Which means that I work every night.

I have had FOUR solid nights sleep in the past year.

I am not complaining. Just stating facts.

Now he is all butt hurt that I wont just lie back and let him plant his seed.

I feel guilty because even when he was not sure about Conner, I was. I knew having him would be the best thing we had ever done. He finally got on board but not at first. Now he is trying to do the convincing and I am sticking my fingers in my ears. But I is MY body that has to Carry another baby so soon. My boobs that will be the babies sole source of nutrition for six months. My feet that will resemble water balloons for ten months.

I just need another six months.

Or year...

Sigh...but I think he is serious.

And I feel like a bully.

Fall is in the air.

I can taste it.

Feel it.

Maybe it is because we have had 110 degree days and today it is in the lower 80's, but I still think the season is a changin.

I love, love, love fall.

I love the light jackets and the changing of the leaves. I like to take hikes and bike rides.

I love the pumpkins and the fall vegetables.

I like the crisp air and the clean feeling deep in your lungs. The kind of days where you don't feel the need to shower by lunch time, even though all you did was walk to your car but you are dripping with sweat and you shoes are all sweaty and gross.

Summer.

I am soooo over you.

Bena-chill!

The baby and I were hit with crippling allergies yesterday(on E's first day of school) and we both look pit-e-ful.

I sneezed and cried my way through the day, and when I went to pick him put he looked miserable.

I am really weird about medicine. I am not against it per say I just really have to feel they need it before I will give them anything and I always like to get the pharmacist's take on whatever it is that I am going to be administering cause let's face it; that is what they went to school for and they usually know more about the drugs than the doctors.

The pharmacist is going over the specifics of the different allergy meds and we decided on the basic benadryl since this was Conner's first bout with allergies. Pharmacist was going over the side effects and of course I know in the back of my mind, benadryl= more rest for baby AND mommy. "This medication cause marked drowsiness in most infants, but there are a few that get pretty anxious and WOUND (THE FUCK*)UP.

That is the moment that the cruel unjust hand of fate leaned over and whispered into my ear, "JINX"

My child was on all fours headbanging for about two hours in my living room last night. He would not eat and not only would he not eat he would throw everything I gave him in the floor and laugh. He climbed. He pulled the cats tail. Head butted his brother and almost made him cry. OH OH OH and poked me repeatedly in my allergy ridden eyes saying "Eye, Eye".

Eric in full charge tonight. Eye am going to bed ASAP.

*My words, not his.

A decade

10 years ago today I was handed a red-faced, screaming baby and called mom. I want to say that I was overcome with maternal instinct. That I instantly became this title. Mother.

The fact is however, that I was terrified.

What was I supposed to do now?

Surely they are not going to leave me alone with this tiny little baby and expect me to keep him alive, ALL BY MYSELF!!?!

But they did.

Later that evening I remember looking over at him in his little plastic bed and we locked eyes.

His eyes pierced my very soul.

That was when it came rushing in like a flood.

I will never forget that look.

The look of dependency.

The look of questions.

The first time to feel such a powerful love. The kind you would do anything for.

This creature was mine.

I could do this.

This morning I was awaken by those same eyes a decade later.

"Mom, Can I sleep in here for just a little while?"

I smiled and rearranged the covers and got him settled in.

"Happy birthday, son."

He smiled and we locked eyes.

"Thank you, mom"

July wrap-up

Where in the heck did summer go? 3 weeks until school starts? E is excited about school starting back. He can't wait. He is planning on asking the girl of his dreams to be his girlfriend. He has been planning all week. Can I get a collective Aawwwww?? He is starting football too, and for some reason he feels that this is going to cinch his cool status at school. I hope it does and I guess if he doesn't walk away with a concussion, it will be worth it.

Connor is just steps away from walking. He will stand in the middle of the floor all by himself but he just won't take that first step. I am kinda excited but not enough to loose my little baby that needs to be carried by hims, mommy. He says: Mama, Dada, & kitty. He points at everything he wants and physically throws his whole body away from anything he doesn't want. Last night I was trying to give him an animal cracker and he didn't want it because he wanted my pop-corn. Every time I would offer the cracker he would get on the floor and hide his head. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. Eric walked through and made me stop torturing him.

Life just feels so good right now.

There is some stuff that we wish we weren't going through. Bills are kinda crappy and we don't have a money tree in the backyard. But we are so happy.

I feel content.

I feel happy.

I went to church yesterday.

Not because I felt I needed too.

Just becuase I wanted to.

I went with the purpose of simply giving thanks for all we have.

I have had a strained relationship with God for awhile.

Church has always been an obligation.

Praying was something I was supposed to do.

Being a preacher's kid and pastor's grandkid always left me feeling judged. I know everything there is to know about religion, the bible, what you should and shouldn't do, but I don't think I ever really learned what MY relationship with God is like.

It's something I wanna know.

I want to come to God with no motives.

I did Sunday.

I think I can handle this kind of relationship.

The other was much too stressfull.

Well, Well,

Time flies when you are having fun.

I always have too little to say of too much.

Here lately, so much has been coming at us that I simply cannot write about for multiple reasons. A whole shit ton of good and just a few minor complications.

Privacy issues keep me from completely telling our family's story.

Our family of FIVE'S story.

I have a step-daughter who I will finally get to know.

I have never blogged about this before because the story is not mine, it's Eric's and it has always been such a touchy, painful issue that I just couldn't put into words. But the important thing is that we are getting an opportunity that we didn't think existed. I have a teen-age step daughter (eeek). My children have an older sister who is an absolute joy to be around.

I am not going into any more details.

I may in the future.

Who knows.

We are so very happy and I want to share. I do. I am just so very afraid of my blog. It's funny how something so good for you and therapeutic, can be a weapon if it fell in the wrong hands.

I toy with the idea of starting up another blog. One with nicknames and no pics so that I can just let it all hang out. Ya know?

But then if my blog makes the big time, then how will I ever appear on Dr. Phil without outing my family?

I keed, I keed.

I wouldn't go on Dr. Phil because I am afraid he will pick at my thread and figure out that I am severely screwed up or something. I don't wanna deal with my issues today, Dr. Phil, so just back off ok?

Just know that we are in suck a very awesome place in our family.

E is enjoying summer and taking a vacation about every other week so far. He went to Disney with Dad, Camping with the grandparents, stay cation with us, church camp next week, and the rest is to be determined. And can you believe he said this morning that he was ready for school to start? He is a weirdo that one.

Conner is ALL.MOST ONE.

Next month I will start planning his first birthday.

He is everywhere. All the time.

He eats anything in sight and (most of the time) it is food and not paper, grass, SLUGS or dog/cat food.

He is so close to taking steps that it is scary. He wants to. You can see it in his little face but he gets scared and sits down and crawls where he wants to go.

He is a MAMA'S boy. It is so bad that I think he would be happier if I had a kangaroo pouch for him to ride in. I kinda think this is a boobie thing and as flattered as I am, I am so ready for my boobs to be mine again.

Call me selfish.

I DON'T CARE.

Now he has slowed down quite a bunch this week cause I have been offering bottles to him. He was kinda put out at first but he has learned that he can be mobile with the bottle and as long as I am sitting approximately two feet away he will drink from the bottle and play. If I walk away then all bets are off.

I have loved breast feeding until now. Cried while looking down at his sweet face and feeling contentment that I have never felt before.

BUT.

Ya know how when you watch a mama dog try to wean their babies and the little puppy just hangs on and she is trying to get away and she looks kinda tired, cranky, OVER IT?

Well, send me hate mail, call me a sucky mom but I am tired of having my nipple stretched two feet because Conner is trying to snack AND play on his stand-up jazz piano thingie.

We are weaning.

I hope everyone is having a great summer.

We are and it is amazing!

RING AROUND THE ROSIOLA

Well, we survived our first childhood illness this week.

The baby is pokey dotted from head to toe. He looks pitiful. The dots are lightly scattered on his face and it gets thicker as you go down. The rash doesn't seem to bother him, but he is still pretty tired.

Saturday we battled a 103 degree fever and I held him literally all day long. Eric stayed home with us Saturday night and we all three camped out in the living room on E's full sized matress. E was at his dads so we borrowed his bed so that I could actually put the baby down while he was sleeping. He wouldn't sleep in his bed and I don't feel comfortable leaving him on my bed if I am not next to him. My plan didn't work though because he would only lay on the bed it I did so I spend 48 hours laying in the living room floor watching the first 2 season of Weeds*.

Sunday was a little better but he still didn't feel very good so we had a low key cookout with our parents. The rash broke out that night and as Conner started feeling better he decided he didn't need anymore sleep so we stayed up until 11:30 getting into everything we are not supposed to.

Now he has thrush.

Also, my boobs have it.

Thrush sucks and that is about all I know about it. I am waiting for the presciption and trying to find things that he can eat with a bum tongue.

I was getting worried cause he wouldn't eat but last night he discovered Mcdonald's french fries and ketchup and despite the thrush he mananged to eat about a cup full of it. So totally gross!

TWO'S DAY

My husband and I work the same schedule today. This never happens and for some reason I can NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. I feel weird like umm.. having some pretty naughty thoughts (Hi, mom-in-law). He is all dressed up and right down the street and I keep imagining him taking lunch when I do and meeting up at the house and ripping our...(CENSORED)

Of course this won't happen cause our house is filled with kiddo's and grandparents watching the kiddo's and cats and goldfishes, but it's a nice thought. Maybe we could just go have lunch together instead. Alone. At the park..

Geez I need to get a grip.

I think since he took the 3:30am shift with the baby I am just feeling a little appreciative. More sleep is HOT.

I felt bad for him this morning because he had a rough night with the baby. His exact words at one point were, "We are weaning this baby now! No more boobie for him!"

I had to take E to the ER last night due to a virus that is making him have some terrible headaches. We saw his DR yesterday morning and since it's viral we can't really do anything for him but treat the headache and two regular Tylenol didn't touch the headache or the fever so I had no choice but the bring him down and see if they could do anything for him.

We waited for 2 hours and still had not been seen at 9pm and the baby woke up and his boobie wasn't there and he was PISSED. He screamed for about 30 minutes and my husband almost met us up at the ER just to make sure the baby wasn't coming down with anything. He wasn't. He was just very unhappy that the booby lady stepped out on him.

I feel bad. I know that breast is best. But when breast is the only thing that makes him happy, it is hard on any person that tries to soothe him.

E's headache went away before we were even seen so we decided to try going back home and if it got worse through the night coming back up there. They basically said there was nothing to do and he was welcome to lay in a dark room with a cold cloth on his head while waiting another two hours to be seen by an actual DR; who would probably just give him Motrin and send him home.

We decided we could do that at home and this morning he seemed to be feeling much better.

Conner was his normal happy self after feeding about 3 times after I got home.

I was actually feeling pretty good having the extra sleep. Eric, however, had the dazed no-sleep, haggard face I usually have.

Eric asked what was wrong with Conner last night.

"Honey, this is an every night thing." I gave him a kiss and said, "Try to focus cause by 3pm, you will probably want to kill yourself."

Self Feeding?

As Conner chowed down on breakfast in his walker, I busied myself with the morning chores thinking how self feeding has made the morning routine just a little easier and really just patting myself on the back because I am starting to get this whole life tornado to stop spinning so violently.

I go to get him and clean him up for the day and am quite suprised how little mess there was to clean up.

While in the midst of my afternoon break, it dawned on me why the area was so clean.

Our little dog was running around unsuprovised also..

AAAAAACK.

Mother of the year?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.