Bena-chill!

The baby and I were hit with crippling allergies yesterday(on E's first day of school) and we both look pit-e-ful.

I sneezed and cried my way through the day, and when I went to pick him put he looked miserable.

I am really weird about medicine. I am not against it per say I just really have to feel they need it before I will give them anything and I always like to get the pharmacist's take on whatever it is that I am going to be administering cause let's face it; that is what they went to school for and they usually know more about the drugs than the doctors.

The pharmacist is going over the specifics of the different allergy meds and we decided on the basic benadryl since this was Conner's first bout with allergies. Pharmacist was going over the side effects and of course I know in the back of my mind, benadryl= more rest for baby AND mommy. "This medication cause marked drowsiness in most infants, but there are a few that get pretty anxious and WOUND (THE FUCK*)UP.

That is the moment that the cruel unjust hand of fate leaned over and whispered into my ear, "JINX"

My child was on all fours headbanging for about two hours in my living room last night. He would not eat and not only would he not eat he would throw everything I gave him in the floor and laugh. He climbed. He pulled the cats tail. Head butted his brother and almost made him cry. OH OH OH and poked me repeatedly in my allergy ridden eyes saying "Eye, Eye".

Eric in full charge tonight. Eye am going to bed ASAP.

*My words, not his.

A decade

10 years ago today I was handed a red-faced, screaming baby and called mom. I want to say that I was overcome with maternal instinct. That I instantly became this title. Mother.

The fact is however, that I was terrified.

What was I supposed to do now?

Surely they are not going to leave me alone with this tiny little baby and expect me to keep him alive, ALL BY MYSELF!!?!

But they did.

Later that evening I remember looking over at him in his little plastic bed and we locked eyes.

His eyes pierced my very soul.

That was when it came rushing in like a flood.

I will never forget that look.

The look of dependency.

The look of questions.

The first time to feel such a powerful love. The kind you would do anything for.

This creature was mine.

I could do this.

This morning I was awaken by those same eyes a decade later.

"Mom, Can I sleep in here for just a little while?"

I smiled and rearranged the covers and got him settled in.

"Happy birthday, son."

He smiled and we locked eyes.

"Thank you, mom"

July wrap-up

Where in the heck did summer go? 3 weeks until school starts? E is excited about school starting back. He can't wait. He is planning on asking the girl of his dreams to be his girlfriend. He has been planning all week. Can I get a collective Aawwwww?? He is starting football too, and for some reason he feels that this is going to cinch his cool status at school. I hope it does and I guess if he doesn't walk away with a concussion, it will be worth it.

Connor is just steps away from walking. He will stand in the middle of the floor all by himself but he just won't take that first step. I am kinda excited but not enough to loose my little baby that needs to be carried by hims, mommy. He says: Mama, Dada, & kitty. He points at everything he wants and physically throws his whole body away from anything he doesn't want. Last night I was trying to give him an animal cracker and he didn't want it because he wanted my pop-corn. Every time I would offer the cracker he would get on the floor and hide his head. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. Eric walked through and made me stop torturing him.

Life just feels so good right now.

There is some stuff that we wish we weren't going through. Bills are kinda crappy and we don't have a money tree in the backyard. But we are so happy.

I feel content.

I feel happy.

I went to church yesterday.

Not because I felt I needed too.

Just becuase I wanted to.

I went with the purpose of simply giving thanks for all we have.

I have had a strained relationship with God for awhile.

Church has always been an obligation.

Praying was something I was supposed to do.

Being a preacher's kid and pastor's grandkid always left me feeling judged. I know everything there is to know about religion, the bible, what you should and shouldn't do, but I don't think I ever really learned what MY relationship with God is like.

It's something I wanna know.

I want to come to God with no motives.

I did Sunday.

I think I can handle this kind of relationship.

The other was much too stressfull.

Well, Well,

Time flies when you are having fun.

I always have too little to say of too much.

Here lately, so much has been coming at us that I simply cannot write about for multiple reasons. A whole shit ton of good and just a few minor complications.

Privacy issues keep me from completely telling our family's story.

Our family of FIVE'S story.

I have a step-daughter who I will finally get to know.

I have never blogged about this before because the story is not mine, it's Eric's and it has always been such a touchy, painful issue that I just couldn't put into words. But the important thing is that we are getting an opportunity that we didn't think existed. I have a teen-age step daughter (eeek). My children have an older sister who is an absolute joy to be around.

I am not going into any more details.

I may in the future.

Who knows.

We are so very happy and I want to share. I do. I am just so very afraid of my blog. It's funny how something so good for you and therapeutic, can be a weapon if it fell in the wrong hands.

I toy with the idea of starting up another blog. One with nicknames and no pics so that I can just let it all hang out. Ya know?

But then if my blog makes the big time, then how will I ever appear on Dr. Phil without outing my family?

I keed, I keed.

I wouldn't go on Dr. Phil because I am afraid he will pick at my thread and figure out that I am severely screwed up or something. I don't wanna deal with my issues today, Dr. Phil, so just back off ok?

Just know that we are in suck a very awesome place in our family.

E is enjoying summer and taking a vacation about every other week so far. He went to Disney with Dad, Camping with the grandparents, stay cation with us, church camp next week, and the rest is to be determined. And can you believe he said this morning that he was ready for school to start? He is a weirdo that one.

Conner is ALL.MOST ONE.

Next month I will start planning his first birthday.

He is everywhere. All the time.

He eats anything in sight and (most of the time) it is food and not paper, grass, SLUGS or dog/cat food.

He is so close to taking steps that it is scary. He wants to. You can see it in his little face but he gets scared and sits down and crawls where he wants to go.

He is a MAMA'S boy. It is so bad that I think he would be happier if I had a kangaroo pouch for him to ride in. I kinda think this is a boobie thing and as flattered as I am, I am so ready for my boobs to be mine again.

Call me selfish.

I DON'T CARE.

Now he has slowed down quite a bunch this week cause I have been offering bottles to him. He was kinda put out at first but he has learned that he can be mobile with the bottle and as long as I am sitting approximately two feet away he will drink from the bottle and play. If I walk away then all bets are off.

I have loved breast feeding until now. Cried while looking down at his sweet face and feeling contentment that I have never felt before.

BUT.

Ya know how when you watch a mama dog try to wean their babies and the little puppy just hangs on and she is trying to get away and she looks kinda tired, cranky, OVER IT?

Well, send me hate mail, call me a sucky mom but I am tired of having my nipple stretched two feet because Conner is trying to snack AND play on his stand-up jazz piano thingie.

We are weaning.

I hope everyone is having a great summer.

We are and it is amazing!

RING AROUND THE ROSIOLA

Well, we survived our first childhood illness this week.

The baby is pokey dotted from head to toe. He looks pitiful. The dots are lightly scattered on his face and it gets thicker as you go down. The rash doesn't seem to bother him, but he is still pretty tired.

Saturday we battled a 103 degree fever and I held him literally all day long. Eric stayed home with us Saturday night and we all three camped out in the living room on E's full sized matress. E was at his dads so we borrowed his bed so that I could actually put the baby down while he was sleeping. He wouldn't sleep in his bed and I don't feel comfortable leaving him on my bed if I am not next to him. My plan didn't work though because he would only lay on the bed it I did so I spend 48 hours laying in the living room floor watching the first 2 season of Weeds*.

Sunday was a little better but he still didn't feel very good so we had a low key cookout with our parents. The rash broke out that night and as Conner started feeling better he decided he didn't need anymore sleep so we stayed up until 11:30 getting into everything we are not supposed to.

Now he has thrush.

Also, my boobs have it.

Thrush sucks and that is about all I know about it. I am waiting for the presciption and trying to find things that he can eat with a bum tongue.

I was getting worried cause he wouldn't eat but last night he discovered Mcdonald's french fries and ketchup and despite the thrush he mananged to eat about a cup full of it. So totally gross!

TWO'S DAY

My husband and I work the same schedule today. This never happens and for some reason I can NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. I feel weird like umm.. having some pretty naughty thoughts (Hi, mom-in-law). He is all dressed up and right down the street and I keep imagining him taking lunch when I do and meeting up at the house and ripping our...(CENSORED)

Of course this won't happen cause our house is filled with kiddo's and grandparents watching the kiddo's and cats and goldfishes, but it's a nice thought. Maybe we could just go have lunch together instead. Alone. At the park..

Geez I need to get a grip.

I think since he took the 3:30am shift with the baby I am just feeling a little appreciative. More sleep is HOT.

I felt bad for him this morning because he had a rough night with the baby. His exact words at one point were, "We are weaning this baby now! No more boobie for him!"

I had to take E to the ER last night due to a virus that is making him have some terrible headaches. We saw his DR yesterday morning and since it's viral we can't really do anything for him but treat the headache and two regular Tylenol didn't touch the headache or the fever so I had no choice but the bring him down and see if they could do anything for him.

We waited for 2 hours and still had not been seen at 9pm and the baby woke up and his boobie wasn't there and he was PISSED. He screamed for about 30 minutes and my husband almost met us up at the ER just to make sure the baby wasn't coming down with anything. He wasn't. He was just very unhappy that the booby lady stepped out on him.

I feel bad. I know that breast is best. But when breast is the only thing that makes him happy, it is hard on any person that tries to soothe him.

E's headache went away before we were even seen so we decided to try going back home and if it got worse through the night coming back up there. They basically said there was nothing to do and he was welcome to lay in a dark room with a cold cloth on his head while waiting another two hours to be seen by an actual DR; who would probably just give him Motrin and send him home.

We decided we could do that at home and this morning he seemed to be feeling much better.

Conner was his normal happy self after feeding about 3 times after I got home.

I was actually feeling pretty good having the extra sleep. Eric, however, had the dazed no-sleep, haggard face I usually have.

Eric asked what was wrong with Conner last night.

"Honey, this is an every night thing." I gave him a kiss and said, "Try to focus cause by 3pm, you will probably want to kill yourself."

Self Feeding?

As Conner chowed down on breakfast in his walker, I busied myself with the morning chores thinking how self feeding has made the morning routine just a little easier and really just patting myself on the back because I am starting to get this whole life tornado to stop spinning so violently.

I go to get him and clean him up for the day and am quite suprised how little mess there was to clean up.

While in the midst of my afternoon break, it dawned on me why the area was so clean.

Our little dog was running around unsuprovised also..

AAAAAACK.

Mother of the year?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.