The mirror

"You don't have to nit-pick every single thing I do, ALL THE TIME", I said hotly.

"I wasn't."

"I just walked in the door. What is wrong with you?"

I looked at him through the bathroom mirror and said, "I am worried that I am not going to be able to do this job, when I have such a hard time managing our family."

There is was.

I wasn't mad at Eric. I was just afraid.

How many times have you said something harsh to your spouse or kids because you have nowhere else to lay the fear and the angst?

I do it way to often.

Eric knows me so well and he does get irritated but on days like today he just lets it roll off his back.

"You are going to do great at your job, ya know."

God, I love that man.

Eric steers our ship.

Sure I like to think that I am the brains of the operations.(I am soooo not.)

The planner, saver, shopper, cook, maid, hug giver etc.

But he is our captain.

He is the guide.

The more I learn about my relationship with my Savior, the more I learn about my relationship with my husband and THAT is exactly where I want to be.

Loving God completely gives me the power to love my husband in ways I never dreamed.

Who knew?

Inhibition? What inhibition.

Did yall see that crazy lady that climbed the local water tower and sat up there screaming, "I got it. I got the job"!!!!

Ok. So I didn't actually do that but if I was in better shape, and that water tower wasn't on the other side of town, you would be staring at my big butt as I shimmy up the latter.

I wanna dance.

I wanna sing.

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not too loud as we might scare it.

So what have I been up too?

Hmmm.

We had a fantastic birthday party but I don't have home Internet right now so I can't upload the pics. We did the number "1" theme complete with a cupcake-cake shaped in a "1". Super cute. Anyone that is having a *midget b-day party, I highly recommend investing in a bubble maker. Eric got one at Wal-mart for six bucks and it was a huge hit. In fact we are still using it when Conner gets fussy and we want to calm him down.

E is still kicking some little league football booty, playing center. This has been quite an experience for me since I don't know jack about football and really don't care to know. But my little boy's job is to be the hiker and protect the quarter-back(I think). He is good at it and they have only lost one game and it was super close. His only beef is that he had to tackle a girl the other night and he felt weird(awww).

I applied for a very good job that I am border-line scared off but want so badly. It would be changing fields, somewhat, but taking what I love about my job and getting to do it all the time. It's workin for the man though so there are a bunch of hoops and the interview was one of those that you don't get to talk about what YOU want to talk about, it is a pre-determined list of questions like; describe a specific office conflict you have had in the past and how to deal with it. So I am going to say it was definitely not my best interview.

Also, here is a little tidbit about me. I tend to ramble about really weird and personal stuff when I am nervous, or sceered, whatever you want to call it. I may or may not have told my interviewer that I debated on eating lunch and I did and now my tummy was making weird noises. I actually said that.

THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS.

She laughed, but it was in that weird-uncomfortable way.

Then, I was thinking, "Wow, I think that totally broke the ice."

Now, I am thinking, "I am a MO--Ron".

I really, REALLY want this job.

It may end my blogging career..hardie har.. but I still want it.

I won't know their decision until next week so until then I will pray, hold my breath, make bargains, be nice to everyone I come in contact with(just in case), and pray some more.

Also I am thinking about dressing Connor up as King Julian, king of the lemurs in Madagascar, for all you people that are lucky enough to not have watched that movie 60,000 times this year. I think it will be cute and I can get the costume online for about 10 bucks.

Anyone else craving some pumpkin pie?

Retraction

I had to take down the last post because I came home to a beautifully cleaned house. See I told ya he reads my blog. It made me feel loved and understood.

It's his party and I'll cry if I want to.

I feel sorry for my kids today.

I feel bad that they don't have a mother who can plan birthday parties months in advance complete with a huge guest list, ponies, clowns..scratch the scary clowns..., but GAH!!

Conner's birthday is in three days and ask me what I have done in honor of the baby that I literally STOOD ON MY HEAD to have.

Nothing, zilcho, nadda, zero.

I don't have the cake ordered. I didn't send out invitations. I thought, "meh, I'll get to it."

That was a month ago and I simply never got to it.

Now I am all shitty and depressed that my baby won't have a good party Saturday and he will hate me and his dad will be his new favorite person when all he is going to do it SHOW UP!

And now I am all mad at Eric and he is not here to defend himself.

The reality is. Our family is well aware of his special day.

The ones that matter in his life will show up and don a party hat and watch him tear the shit out of his cake.

Then we will have a great dinner and laugh as a mess is made of the freshly cleaned dining room. And it will be ok.

It will be O-KIZ-AY. (Sorry, I have been watching a bunch of Madagascar)

He is here. He is healthy.

We will celebrate his first year of life Saturday with all our hearts.

I feel better now.

Grace and patience

My life is changing.

I didn't start this change. I am not even sure how it happened.

I am a new person.

I feel this urgency churning in my soul.

Something is happening in my life and I finally feel receptive for the plans laid out for me.

I am embracing my future.

I am loving my God.

Ok, I feel strange with that last statement.

I grew up in church.

Everyone around me seemed to get God. Seemed to hear him when he spoke. They has things figured out. Or so it seemed.

I pretended. I got very good at acting and I am sure I had some sort of relationship with Christ, but I wasn't a very good one. I knew what I was supposed to do and say to blend in with everyone else. I knew how to look "spiritual". But it was never me.
Finally when I just couldn't seem to find truth or make sense out of everyone elses truth, I gave up. I just couldn't live like them. It was too hard not to sin. As hard as I tried for perfection I just couldn't get there and I was tired.


For 10 years I pretended not to care. For a decade I have live the way I wanted. Done what was best for me. I didn't need God and he didn't need me. There were plenty of other people to do his will and I was happy to go my own way.

But he does need me!

He has my purpose.

I am his.

UHHGGGG. This sounds so cliche.

It is wonderful and crazy at the same time.

Everywhere I go I want to say, "Hey, Guess what"?

"I am tight with God again"

And then I feel all weird and like I can't go around yelling that. But I want to. Becuase

"Hey"

"Jesus is my homie"

OOH OOH AHH AHH

How is my half-assed job hunt going?

Well, let's see. I was told at an informal interview that a monkey could do my current job. But I was also told they probably couldn't afford me.

?

???

So, I am so great at doing so little, that I am worth a butt load.

That is the only positive spin I can put on it.

It's kinda funny actually.

I would be laughing if it were not so sad.