Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Finals

Here I sit on the last day of 2008, reflecting on all that has been thrown our way. I look at my blog and all the other's that I have had the pleasure of reading. I think of the many ways 2008 has bent me over. I also know that without the bitter I would not have the sweet. That is not really true. I can't think of one damn thing that being infertile has helped in other aspects of my life.

My marriage has been kicked in the face. My closest friendships have been strained. However, the worst casualty of this disease has been my loss of faith.

I am done.

I refuse to let this hurdle cost me everything that I have.

I will not let my depression get the best of me.

I have lived under a cloud for too long. Even when it is beautiful and sunny there is still that little nagging hint of sadness and I am so desperately tired of it.

I smile on the outside but Its been a very long time since I have smiled on the inside.

2009?

I will smile on the inside again.

I will make love to my husband when I feel like it and not because it is "time".

I can think of a million things that I want to be different but I think those two things are the most important for now.

We are taking E to Six Flags tonight for their New Years Party and he is so excited that he promised to take a nap. The thought of staying up till tomorrow is making him drunk with power.

If you see us there, E will be the kid running around crazy, and Eric and I will be the couple sitting on a bench drinking Red Bull.

Kiss my lily white ass, 2008!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Blog go bye bye

Sorry guys but I may delete my blog.

I love you all and I will still comment.

Reindeer Games

All right! Some ASSHAT put crackers behind my computer. I am not amused.

Its Christmas Eve!

I have a special visitor that decided to drop in at my desk for the holidays. I was sitting here with a client yesterday and a mouse ran behind my computer. I cleared my desk and almost landed in the poor man's lap.

I have serious issues with rodents. They move to fast, have beady eyes, twitch and they just scare the shit out of me. Right now I am sitting as far away from my desk as I can get and pause every few seconds to look around for my little friend.

I almost brought my cat to work but he doesn't like cars or stangers. I then thought about bringing E's bb gun but that wouldn't work because I am no where near a good enough shot. I can't work though. I keep thinking something is crawling up my leg.

I stayed up all night making goodies but I am scared to bring anything to my desk in fear that he will find a crumb and decide to live here. I only have to stay half the day so 1:00 can not get here soon enough.

I am doing pretty well with E not being here. Eric is taking me somewhere tonight at 9:30. Its a suprise. He seems to think its a good one as his exact words were, "I bet I get some tonight." It will have to be good because I have a lot on my to do list tonight and the last time I checked, he wasn't on there.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Oh the blood boiling

I just found my kid on the internet.

I just found my kid on his step-moms blog.

I don't know why I am so pissed about this. I am though. She started a mommy blog. She put his picture up. She didn't even ask. What if I don't want him on the internet. I am not putting on here for anonymous reasons. But if I blogged under my real name I probably wouldn't put him on here either.

Be truthful friends. Am I making to much of this?

The fertile bitch has 4 children.

Why does she gotta try to mommy mine?

She went on and on about how busy they keep her. She is NEVER alone with my son. By her choice. She throws a fit if he asks to come over there early when his dad is not home.

He has told me many things that make me feel that they do not have a close relationship.

I don't know if I should say something?

I know I am flaming pissed tho.

Am I making too much out of this? You can be honest.

This little piggy went to..

Good morning all. Today is the last day of school for E this year and the morning of his Christmas party.

I like to see myself in the middle of the mom spectram. I am not the head mom, who sews all of the kids close, always volunteers for room mom, I don't even have a PTA seat at E's school. But! There has been one thing that I have never missed for him. I always attend his school parties. I make something. I take pictures. Teacher get a good gift.

Until this year.

Some Ass hat decided to have the Christmas party at 8:30am. I work outside the home and my workday doesn't get started until 8:30. I can not take off mornings. There is no one to look in on things for an hour.

I is Sad!

So in order to participate in some way, I got up at 5:00am to make pigs in a blanket for the class.

Some of you may not know what pigs in a blanket are. They are sooooo good. First you will need:

Little Smokies (the kind with cheese in them)
Cresant Rolls
Knife (if you are fancy, you can use a pastry knife but I don't have one.)

You cut the cresant into three stips and roll the strips around the weenie(you know I had to put it in here somewhere.) Bake at 350 for I don't really know how long I just keep checking on them.

These are so good and E loves them.

I will drop them off on my way to work as E is with his dad until the day after Christmas. I is sad about that too but I will save that for another post. Probably a teery Christmas Eve one. I will also probably be snippy with the teacher and in a diplomatic fashion tell her what I think about having a Christmas party at 8:30.

But maybe not.

Everybody have a freaken fantastic Friday!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lookey




Hey, look what I got!! Beautiful Mess gave me this great award. Here are the rules.

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

I present to you: The Bucket List



>
> Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and remove
> the (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends
> (including me). This is for your entire life!
>
>
> ( ) Been to Europe
>
> ( ) Been on a cruise
>
> ( x ) Gone on a blind date
>
> ( x ) Skipped school
>
> (x) Watched someone die
>
> ( ) Been to Canada
>
> ( x ) Smoked marijuana
>
> () Been to Mexico
>
> ( x ) Been to Florida
>
> ( x ) Been on a plane
>
> (X) Been lost (Physically, & MENTALLY)
>
> ( ) Been on the opposite side of the country
>
> () Gone to Washington , DC
>
> ( x ) Been to Vegas
>
> ( ) Climbed a lighthouse
>
> (x) Swam in the ocean (I dipped a toe in)
>
> ( X) Rolled in the snow.
>
> (x ) Cried yourself to sleep
>
> ( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington , D.C.
>
> (x ) Played cops and robbers.
>
> ( ) Been present in a confrontation where guns were pulled.
>
> ( x ) Been in a knock down drag out fight.
>
> () Flown a plane
>
> ( x ) Owned a boat
>
> () Watched grandchildren grow
>
> () Recently colored with crayons
>
> ( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby (breeders cup at Churchill Downs???)
>
> ( ) Been to Key West
>
> () Been to a rodeo (I live in TX. How sad is that?)
>
> ( x) Sang Karaoke
>
> (x ) Paid for a meal with coins only?
>
> (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
>
> (x ) Accused the family dog of flatulating
>
> (x) Made prank phone calls.
>
> (X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
>
> (X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
>
> ( x ) Danced in the rain
>
> ( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
>
> () Been kissed under the mistletoe
>
> (x) Had sex outdoors.
>(x ) Had a near death experience.
>
> (X) Watched the sunrise with someone
>
> ( ) Seen the green flash at sunset
>
> (X) Blown bubbles
>
> (x) Gone ice-skating
>
> ( x ) Owned a convertible
>
> ( X) Been in an outside hot tub when it was snowing

> 1. Any nickname ? Louise
> 2. Mother's name ? Peggy Sue (no joke)
>3. Body Piercing ? ears (I got stung on my ass by a wasp last summer)
>4. How much do you love your job? I so don't
>5. Birthplace ? Arkansas
> 6. Been to Hawaii ? No
> 7. Ever been to Africa ? no

> 8. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes
>
> 9. Ever been on TV? Yes >
> 10. Ever steal any traffic sign ? yes
>
> 11. Ever been in a car accident? Yes
>
> 12. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle ? 2 door (Dodge baby)
>
> 13. Favorite number? 4 >
> 14. Favorite movie ? Sweet Home Alabama
> 15. Favorite holiday ? 4th of July
> 16. Favorite dessert? Ice Cream
> 18. Favorite food ? >Pizza
> 19. Favorite day of the week ? Sundays

> 20. Favorite brand of body wash ? Bath and Body works
> 21. Favorite smell ? My Husband
> 22. How do you relax? TV
> 23. How do you see yourself in 10 years ? With my eyes

Ok, so here is the blogs that I love.

Mrs. Kate is a great read. Each post makes me want to put on my running shoes.

Pasiana - She is also always a good read. She is terribly funny and right now is doing a holiday recipe thing that I think is quite neat. Read- How to make Schwetty Balls (Imagine my best snoopy laugh here)

Aunt Becky- A woman who is a passionate about bacon as I. She is expecting her first girl to join her in the sea of Sausage in which she now lives.

Lola at Sassy Mama Says - Another Funny blogger who offered to share her stash with me so realy? How could I not (big fat puffy heart) her blog.

Candi at Ophelia's Revival- This woman has been through a ton of crap in the past few months and she still makes me laugh every day. That is a true gift. She is strong and brave and I truely look up to her.

Jen at Here We Go Again- Jen just crossed the finish line her in this part of the fertile blog world and welcomed sweet Elizabeth into her life. She is up to her elbows in Desitan and Baby puke so she can take her time in accepting this. I just want you to know, Jen, you have uplifted me on so many occasions.

So there you have it. Feel free to take the Bucket List onto your own blog and there are so many others that I love but I didn't have time to put all 423 of you on this post.

Kisses to all!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Plan's Change

This morning E was begging to go to his dads tonight and I was not having it. "You are going to be there all through Christmas. This is your last night home and you are not going and it hurts my feeling that you would even ask!" I started to feel guilty since he doesn't understand and just wanted to see his dad early like he has done so many times before.

I called his dad and he is out of town and will not be back until Wednesday. I told E and he decided he would just wait until his dad it home to go over there. His step-mom and baby brother are there but he really wanted to see his dad.

I got to work and was nursing my first cup of coffee and a friend comes to my desk and says, "did you hear?"

There was a car accident and a family we know lost their baby as they went off a bridge into a lake.

"Oh my God" I was completely speechless. This close to Christmas?

Their lives changed in an instant.

I have been walking around in a cloud of depression for weeks. Sad because of all the things in my life that I feel are not right. Sad for the things I want but cannot have. Angry over things I cannot control. Bitter over circumstances. Bitchy over small things that add up to nothing.

This man has two other children. They were with their mother because plans changed. They were supposed to be in that car. They were supposed to be with their Father.

In that car.

Things change.

We don't always get what we want.

Dad was probably sad yesterday because he was missing a scheduled day of visitation.

Possibly sparing the lives of his other two children.

Tonight I will hold my family closer.

Smell them.

Take them in.

What I do have it pretty great. I am going to be thankful for what I have today.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

fa la la la la

I promise that I am almost done with my bitchy posts. Just a couple more days and I will be back to cotton candy and giggles. Well, I don't know if I am ever that cheery but hopefully, I will be somewhat tolerable.

I have been really ticked at how un-magical things are feeling in our home.

As I was heading to school last night I actually got a few moments to talk to Eric. He was all "Are you mad at me?" I'm all "nope"

"Yes you are."

"Why would I be mad Eric?"

"I dunno but you are."

"NO I AM NOT"

"Is it because I was sleeping last night?"

"NO!" (Hell yes thats why!)

"Well I know you are mad you even blogged about it"

" I am just frustrated. I know you need your sleep."

"I am not into it this year. "What if I told you I don't even care about decorating that tree?"

I had nothing to say. Honestly, I don't care either. E is going to be at his dad's for Christmas. I just feel like we have no Christmas spirit this year and it sucks. I started to get mad but that would not be fair since I feel the same way he does.

I have shopped, made Christmas cookies, had people over. I feel so empty and cold. Our family needs hope for Christmas. Or maybe some good weed.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dear Janet

Look, I am happy for you and the little twins you will probably pop out. However, I have three requests

1. Keep the twins in.(Those are now going to be flabby pancakes that no one will want to see.

2. Keep them away from Michael.

3. Keep the wierd names to a minium please.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Muthur Fuu

I do not understand why I can't just have ONE FUCKING NIGHT go as planned.

My Christmas List

Snow
A Snickers Blizard from Dairy Queen(I always forget it when I am out)
The Twilight Series
Time to read the Twilight Series
A Hammack for my back yard
Toe Socks
A Scarf(totally don't need one unless I get my snow day)
Snow Day
All day to play in the snow with my child.
Ceramic Curling Iron
A dance with my husband
A really good kiss
One sick day where I am not really sick and I do nothing but bake and read.
A bra that fits perfectly and there is no third boobage in the middle.
The ritz crackers that are super crispy that I can't seem to find anymore.
The ability to be the vision of the mom and wife that I have in my head.
For my son to always now that he is loved.
For my husband to know the same.
For my mom to find love.

Oh yea...MY FIREPLACE FIXED!!

Festivities

Well we got our tree up but it is not decorated. We have a huge tree and seeing that Eric was still tired and E gave up about the third row of branches, I decided to wait until tonight to decorate.

As I am taking dinner out of the oven, E runs into the kitchen saying we have to have gingerbread cookies for school on Thursday. I say ok we will bake them tomorrow. He is all, "Woo Hoo, we making our own cookies. Most everybody else already sent their cookies and they are in packages, but we get to bake out own YAY". Well crap, I didn't think about buying them.

So my delima here is that I have never baked a gingerbread cookie. Can someone give me the easiest recipe they know?

We are going to wal-mart and I am hoping that I can find a kit of some sort.

I am getting over and cold and E is still complaining with his stomach. I sent him to school but if he doesn't make it then we will just have more time to bake our cookies and decorate our tree.

Feliz Navidad!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Big Fat Hairy Sigh

Being married to a day sleeper sucks big hairy balls. Looks like E and I will be putting up the Christmas tree alone.

Tummy Trouble

What can cure a stomach virus?

Reindeer Hat
Spongebob Candy Canes
Sprite
Snow Globe



He will be magically cured tonight when we put up the christmas tree and watch Polar Express.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Sshhhh

Me: I gotta go to that Christmas concert in a little while.

Eric: You can't go you are sick.

Me: I have to go I am getting a 100% for a test grade and I need that to at least get a B.

Eric: You better get ready.

Me: I am just going like I am.

Eric: Not if you are going with me.

Me: You are going with me?

Eric: I can't let you go alone you are sick and slightly drunk from nyquil and hot damn.

Me: Awww thank you.

I get ready and try not to look like ass (which is how I feel.) I shower and dress in a Christmas sweater. Fix my hair and put my best makeup face on. Stumble to the car and shove a stick of gum in my mouth.

We get there and I find my professor so she knows I came. I talk to a few people I know and we settle in our seat.

Eric: Honey

Me: What? (As I snuggle closer to him)

Eric: Try not to talk to anyone else ok?

Me: Ok..um why?

Eric: You smell like oranges and hot damn.

Me: Damn

Saturday, December 6, 2008

What is it about the holidays?

What is it about the holidays that make me want to pop my husband's eyeballs out and put then in a glass jar and set them on my desk at work. We just had the WORST. POSSIBLE. NIGHT. EVER.

I love my husband.

I don't like him now.

But I love him.

I started getting sick about 3pm, and when I get sick I want Nyquil and Hot Damn. I left work and headed to the store to get my feel-better concoction. As I was jamming to Alvin & the chipmunks christmas, right about the time Alvin say hula hoop(awwwww), something went amiss with my car.

My battary light and brake light came on and I could not steer. I got off the interstate and tried to figure out what in the crap was going on.

Now, again, I love my husband. But, being that he is a day sleeper and had already showed signs of a crab today, I decided to call my father-in-law. As I was sitting in my car this little old man comes out of his house and starts looking at my car. He offers to let me use the phone book and his house is all warm and cozy and his wife is in the kitchen and it smells so good. I actually considered saying "Screw my car"
"Can I have a glass of cocoa and will you read to me?"

We discovered that my belt had broke. I don't know wich one but it was important. So I called for a tow.

Well, Eric showed up and took me where I needed to go while my in-laws followed my car home.

We had a fight over absolutely nothing. Read, Everything.

I ended my night at 8pm in bed crying while they watched Step Brothers (a movie I really wanted to see and had just purchased.)

I didn't have a bite to eat so I am sitting here eating last night's pizza and wondering what to solution to put Eric's eyeballs in.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Mum's the word

I love that stinkin TV. As if I needed yet another thing to keep my growing ass stuck to the couch. I am not going to tell Eric how great I think it is. If he thinks I am agitated about it he will do more stuff around the house.

Last night I lost my HDTV virginity and let me tell ya, it was better than the original de-flowering.

Have you SEEN Grey's Anatomy in high def??

Thursday, December 4, 2008

HO HO HO




Me thinks Eric should kiss my ass. Get out the french maid uniform...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why?

Why did you leave her?

Why did you leave a home, while not without problems, was loving and safe. And better yet, CLEAN.

Why did you throw away 24 years with someone that knows you better than you could ever know yourself?

Why did you tell me first?

Why did you tell me on Thanksgiving day?

Why did you stay outside on the phone all night in Wal-Mart parking lot talking to another woman while we stayed up all night cooking for you?

Why did you expect me to have lunch with you two and be her friend?

Why did you give her hope when you knew it was over?

Why did you expect me to sit with you as a witness in your divorce

Why did you meet someone so quickly that was so unlike her?

Why did you get married 3 months after your divorce and expect me to be in the wedding?

Why did you not notice that I came to the wedding blitzed out of my mind fighting back tears.

Why did you shove me on them every chance you got?

Why did you become dad to her children so easily?

Why did you become pepaw to him too?

Why did turn your career to shit?

Why is your house so gross that I can't stand eating there and letting my child play there?

Why are you so oblivious to the abnormalty that is your life?

Why did you not see me give up?

Where were you when my world started to shatter?

Why didn't you see when I stopped trusting in forever?

Why didn't you do something when I started hating God?

How can you still profess to be any kind of minister?

How can you not see how much you have hurt me these last few years?

How did you really expect Thanksgiving to go?

How do you ever think that she will be comfortable in the same room with you again?

How are you ever going to get back the years you are missing in our lives?

How is it that I do not hate you.

How do you sleep at night?

Why can I not ask you these questions?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

zzzzzz

I have absolutely nothing interesting to post. Here is a little of what I have been up to:

Went to get wine for the holidays. Then decided we needed rum and whisky for the egg nog. Then decided we needed more rum for mixed drinks.

Saw a friend that I have not seen in a while and realized that I am becoming a pale, fat hermit.

Made a mental tanning appoitment. Called another friend.

Ordered some presents and some basketball shoes for Eric. Then found out that I don't even know my husband's shoe size. In all fairness he probably doesn't know mine but you would think after 4 years we would know this.

See? I am bored writing this.

This holiday extended weekend should be fun though. I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner Thursday and then Eric and I will shop the black Friday deals and go to a football game Friday. Saturday I will travel with E to my hometown and visit my Dad and Step-Mom and Grandparents.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Ask Marie

Ok I got two hits on google seaches. I just figured out how to see the questions. I could always see the keyword that was searched for, but I got it to where I can see the actual questions.

I am now amused and disturbed. Does anyone know what water pee is? Here are the two that jumped out of my computer and slapped me in the face.

1. How do I get house brownies to come to me. (Dude, i say dude because this has got to be a dude, if you find out come back and let me know for sure. Also can I have some of the brownies you have been snacking on?)

Ok the next one I do not find funny. I am not making fun and I feel strongly about this. Again, I am not poking fun I feel that something needs to be done for obviouse reasons.

2. Help I am 12 and my mom keeps giving me enemas and I don't need them. (This was on my list 4 times.) Ok so here is my take on this. Either the mom has weight issues and she is pushing this on child, this is being used as some form of punishment, crazy hyprochondriac tendencies, or misinformation. This needs to stop. You need to tell someone you trust! I could be way off but this seems wrong on all levels and telling someone will help you and mom. Not being funny here I am dead, dead serious.

Maybe I am just a baby

Waking up at 6 does something good for my internal clock. Here is my morning routine:

1.Out of bed
2.Let the Animals out
3.Start coffee
4.Log into computer
5.Let dog back in cause he is shivering and crying at the back door. (He never pooped, that little shit, so I go outside and shiver while he takes care of his business.
6.Come back in and make bed and remove a load of clothes from the dryer and put away they transfer a load to the dryer.
7.Go to Computer and start reading google reader (Thank you Jesus for google reader..Amen)
8.POOP!!!!!!!! (6:45)
9.Make breakfast
10.Get ready for work
11.Get E out the door.
12.Leave for work


Here is what happens when I get up at 7:30

1.Run and get E up
2.Bowl of Cereal for E
3.Griping at E for being so darn slow
4.Pick up dog poop
5.Curse the dog
6.Jump in shower
7.Rush through getting e and myself out the door.


The second schedule really sucks but do you see something really important missing there? The Poo! When I miss that step, it is gone.

So here's to getting the morning dump. May we never miss our scheduled poop time. The snooze button? So not worth it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Diary of a Dirty Working Mom

I often struggle with the appearance of my home. I wish that I was the type of woman that could make her home sunny and warm. I feel that my house is utter chaos and I am missing that certain gene that makes me be able to put it back together again.

I am often jealous of even my husband and he has that gift of putting things together to give our home what it needs to make us feel safe and relaxed.

I should automatically have these instincts and just don't.

I come home at night and look around at all that needs to be done and I just want to cry, knowing, that I couldn't put it back together if I wanted to.

I feel like a bad wife..alot.

I am just curious how others run their homes. Is your home tidy enough to always invite visitors to at least your entry way?

If you are a double income family do you divide chores?

I need a system.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Post Creepy

Tune to set my day

"The Way you make me feel"
Michael Jackson
Circuit 1987

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Bliss




I felt a little pervy while drooling over Zac Efron in High School Musical 3 this afternoon, but after googleing him I found he is 21, so its all good. Total hawtness asside, it is a great movie. I loved it and so did E. The only problem I have now is him wanting to take dance lessons. I feel his dad will be fine with it but Eric is going to hit the roof. Honey, if you are reading I had NOTHING to do with his decision.

Seriously, find a way to go see that movie. P.S...Sit up front so you can get close to those blue eyes and oh so perfect lips.

Yeah. I still feel a little pervy.

Anyhoo. We had a great Saturday. We took my lab to the park and she swam in the creek and smelled poop. I get so worried about her coming in contact with other dogs feces because of parvo but really it is futile to keep her from every pile. I just have to trust in the vet to keep her vacinated.

The weather was perfect and all crisp and fally. I just wanted to stop time today it was that perfect.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Bygones

Once upon a time there lived a hot blossoming career woman with a firm grasp on all she desired. She wore smart, sassy business suites with heel and pantyhose and there was never a *non-rooty hair out of place.

She was known for quick wit and hard work. All her bosses loved her and were always complimenting on her ideals for growth. She was a mad sales presenter and was often asked for by name and simply no one else would do.

Her dream job ended with no warning, but she landed on her feet, to her next adventure doing just about the same for more money.

Later she was swooned to a new job with the promise of even more money and a dental plan so she grasp the hand of her new employer not know that behind his mask of charm lay an office of hens, who saw her as a threat and decided to keep her out of there office hen house. So she was left in the chicken yard to play with the roosters which, really, just pissed them off even more. Damn Chickens!

So due to a shift in here little world, AKA Divorce, she was let go from her coveted position by the Head hen who liked to let the quick-wit career woman's husband in her hen house.

She then took some time to heal away from the corporate world. Now this part is a little embarrassing to the career woman so please keep the chuckle to a minimum or at least be quite about it. Ok, where was I? Oh yea. She then found herself taking care a little elderly couple outside of town.

She started out with the same drive and personality that she gave to the corporate world. While she found the work more rewarding than she had ever known, she couldn't get over the fact that she was wiping ass and getting spit on. Also she was getting her ass grabbed on a daily basis by the little old man who was producing the poop and spittle.

So she kept an eye out for a way to get back into the business that she thought she loved while still loving the little couple that was providing a place for her to heal and love after being tossed on her ass by her dream job.

One day an offer came and she understood that is was a little more laid back than what she was used to. She welcomed the change. She worshiped the quiet office and the casual dress. She had a great vision for herself and just knew that this was going to turn into something great for her. Everyday was a joy coming in the office and everyday the owner depended more and more on her.

Through the years policies and programs changed and as the career woman stayed up with the changes, she grew very complacent. Boredom set up camp. After a while it wasn't such a joy to come into the office.

She learned that was not as much helping people as she once remembered and the rewarding feeling that she had so long ago were not there anymore. Did she ever really help people? When did this turn into just a job?

She finds herself today longing for more than a cluttered desk listening to other co-worker read the paper OUT LOAD. Work cross-words OUT LOAD. Read email OUT LOUD.

She misses the little couple that lived in the country that smiled every time she walked through the door. (The pooper for a different reason, but that is beside the point. He was harmless really just a little grabby.) She misses knowing that a difference was being made because of what she was does.

*Rooty is a word I made up for my hair as I desperately need to do something about my roots.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Giving a chance

"Well E we have our new president." He jumps up and yells, "Did McCain win?" "Noo MR. Obama won" I shit you not he jumps to the floor like he is having a seizure and says "OH MY GAAAWWWWDD. OBAMA IS SO BAD HE WONT LET US PPRRRAAAAAYY AND HE KILLS BAAABBBIIIEEESS IN THE MOMMY'S TUMMY!"


Ummmm What?

"Where is the world did you hear that E?"

He gets this strange look in his eyes like he thinks he is in trouble. "I don't remember."

"Its ok I won't be mad I just need to know ok?

"Me and Daddy were listening to the radio and this man said it." "Daddy says that he is a very bad man."

I am going to kill that ex husband of mine one of these days. When I do I will post every detail on the Internet. Smiling. From my jail cell.

Needless to say we had a very long talk before school this morning and cleared a few things up. I can not believe that my child is subjected to that shit. Well. I do believe it but I wish it were not true.

My child is not allowed to watch anything that is not PG rated at his father's but for some reason it is ok to terrify him of our President???

No matter what is floating around about our future President. No matter what anyone believes about him. It is now a time to support the person that has promised change and has a vision for our country. Lift him up as he is about to face the most difficult 4-8 years of his life. So you didn't vote for him. So what.

Over half of the United States did so get over it. Stop with the dumb jokes while you are at it stop focusing on his color (in a good or bad way). The color of skin is not what is going to make or break him. Lack of support could though and for the good of ours and our children's future..Lend your Support.

I am not going to say who I voted for but I am going to say that this afternoon my 24year old cousin got on a plane headed to Iraq. The thought of him being over there in the middle of this useless war is torture on my family. The day he comes home safe to his wife and two children will be a treasured day. I have a feeling that it will come a lot sooner because of the candidate that was chosen. That to me is more than enough to stand behind my future president.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Where is my ho?

Just when I come to terms with the diagnosis of our misfortune my body decides to send me a total mind fuck. A renewed spring in my step. Belly laughs that I though I would never feel again. Hope, peace, acceptance is slipping away.

I am 10 days late for my period.

CD 29- Not concerned as I had all symptoms and signs that flo was coming.

CD 30- Didn't even think about it but started packing just in case.

CD 31-?

CD 34-??

CD 36-Took test in private. It was negative and no tears (small sigh)

CD 40-Its 1:30(not sure if time changed yet or not)and I have done the following:

Dug my test out of bathroom trash and examined under every light in the house. I know about evaporated lines but come on we all have been in the same boat at one point in time so don't give me lip.

Googled if you can use opk to determine pregnancy

Noticed all sorts of IPS. Here is a list
Nausea (but i might just be hungry)
Sleeplessness (hello cause I'm terrorizing myself)
Peeing alot (I did drink coffe earlier which could also explain 2nd syptom)

Prayed that one of you faithful great confidants would be up and online to give me
an online slap.

Blogged my craziness.

Laughed my ass off at myself.

Mentally dogged myself for this stupid, stupid list. If you are still with me thank you for reading this drivel.

I can't go back here I just do not have it in me to fight this battle right now. I need this to be on the back burner for awhile. I have some really big things that need my undivided attention this week and if I am not pregnant I really need to get my visit. But! If........

Friday, October 31, 2008

I need to feed Eric

Who dat

What is everyone being for Halloween? I am being a corpse bride. E is being a corpse ring bearer. Eric is being..well its scary thats all I know. Blood pumps through his skeleton chest.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloween Eve Eve

Halloween was a big no-no in my house growing up. I was told that it was a day to celebrate the devil and that babies and cats were sacrificed to Satan on that day so we couldn't go trick or treating lest we give the devil his Holiday. I have never went trick or treating save on time when I was 13 and went with my aunt to help with my cousins(who got to celebrate).

I remember the school parties and how everyone was dressed up in the cute costumes and how my mother insisted that I be removed from the classroom so that I don't get evil stink on me. There was one teacher that I could tell felt sorry for me and she snuck me a popcorn ball when I was in second grade. That was the best treat I have had to this day.

As I got older I would get invited to parties and have to make up some lame excuse as to why I would not be attending. Everyone know the reason but I liked to pretend and my buddies let me.

At 14 years old they had turned the old prison in our town into a MASSIVE haunted house. It was 4 stories of spook. Of course all my friends were going and kept raving about how great it was going to be. Well, our church (that was pastored by my grandfather) sat right across the street from the horror goldmine. We hatched a brilliant plan for me to sneak away from the church activities and run through to haunted house, then return before anyone ever missed.

We spend weeks planning and I knew it had to be just the right moment. I waited all night. My best friend came to the church with me that night and was planning to help me escape.

Darkness had just fell and everyone was ushered into the church to say a prayer for all the lost souls over at the spook house and I sat on the back row calculating exactly how long it would take to get there and back. I figured 30 minutes. But wait, what if the line was long. Better make that 45 minutes.

My bff was anxious. "Come on". "Lets just go now you wont get caught I swear".

I wanted to listen to her but she said that exact same thing when we thought it would be funny smoke cigarettes in the little storage room at the high school. And the time we left school and walked to the Piggly Wiggly and my grandmother just happened to be doing her shopping. There were many, many times that I had heard those words.

I got up and went outside. I could see my destination. It was right across the street. Just a brief sprint and I would be there. I knew she wanted to go and our whole teenage hoodlum posse was waiting on me. I knew this was it. Now or Never.


I couldn't do it. Fear. Shame that maybe it was wrong. More fear. Embarrassment. Anger.

I finally got to go to my first spook spectacular at 25.

My son will NEVER know what it feels like to miss out on being a kid.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Do not laugh. I can be deep

After great pain, a formal feeling comes-
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs-
The stiff Heart questions was it He, That bore
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round-
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought-
A wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone-

This is the Hour of Lead-
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow-
First-Chill-the Stupor-then the letting go-

Emily Dickenson


Yes I am using you for an essay assignment. My project is to relate a poem to my daily life.

You may have noticed that I changed my profile a bit. I stated that (in)fertility doesn't define who I am. I can honestly say that I feel that way now.

This poem speaks to me. In a morbid freaky way..

I have accepted. I have let go.

Friday, October 24, 2008

One Word

Hello out there in bloggy land. I am sorry I have been neglecting my blog but, as I stated in a previous post, I have discovered google reader and I am most addicted now to discovering everyone's great blogs. I have been uninspired lately to write about my going ons.

Did you know there are other people out there that blog for other reasons than babies? Who knew.

Kate tagged my for a meme so I am thinking maybe this will bet my creative juices flowing a little better. Thank you Kate!

I have to answer in one word answers to the following questions:


1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair color? rooty :o
4. Your mother? Horny
5. Your father? clueless
6. Your favorite thing? Love
7. Your dream last night? Full
8. Your dream/goal? uninspired
9. The room you’re in? messy
10. Your hobby? fishing
11. Your fear? tornadoes
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Here
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not? organized
15. One of your wish list items? PAINT
16. Where you grew up? East Texas
17. The last thing you did? Flatter
18. What are you wearing? Jean
19. Your T.V.? Necessity
20. Your pets? Punks
21. Your computer? Evil
22. Your mood? bored
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? Dirty
25. Something you’re not wearing? Watch
26. Favorite store? CVS
27. Your Summer? Great
28. Love someone? Family
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Flo




And now I must tag seven of you. I am not really sure I have 7 readers and I don't want to loose anymore by tagging the same people over and over. Sooo. If you feel the need then by all means, Do the Damn Thang

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My Promise

Two years ago today I made this promise to my best friend:

I, Marie, take you, Eric, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

The security that these words give to me is amazing.

I love you more than I can ever express. May we always bend so that we do not break.

Happy Anniversary baby.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Good Day

I just finished my paper. It is going to be a hella long day.

Can I just say I am in love with google reader? I don't know why I waited so long to use it. If you are not using you are wasting a ton of time. Also for those who thought I was a stalker, I am sorry. I am just a little on the lazy side and it was easier to click on everybody then move you over. But, it was slow at work today so it is done.

My eyes are bleary and I am having trouble seeing so I am going to close my eyes for a couple of hours.

Eric, how in the world do you do this!!!?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Enema...Check!

Well, I have had so much to post about and didn't, I am now backed up! The only way to handle this kind of post is just unclog. It may get messy but I gotta get it all out.

School is kicking my ass. I only take one class so those of you who have a full load can tell me to suck it if you want. But guys, school and work together are HARD. I have a research paper that was due 2 hours ago and instead of going to class I stayed home so that I could have in the professors inbox by 12am.

I then decided to go to Wal-Mart and give them a $100 before coming home. What made me think that would relax me? I have no clue. I haven't shopped in about 3 weeks and we were on the last roll of butt paper so it was necessary. I also had to get bones for Resfusia(btw I am not sure I like my dogs bloggie name. It was funny then not so much now) because she decided to eat my CELL PHONE again.

The silver lining about the cell phone is I will probably switch carries not because Sprint, the giant corporate douche bag, sucks a little of my soul every time I have to call them. I actually can get an outstanding deal with AT&T and Eric can get his rocks off on a new Blackberry and I can have a simple, CHEAP, cell that will make calls and text. Even though I am sad the new great phone died, I really didn't use the features anyway.

I also had to get supplies for E and I to go camping this weekend. We are going on a Mom and Me camp out were we get to put up a tent and hike through the woods and pick up frogs and stuff. Its fun..really.

In case anyone is worried about my emotional state the head snooty mom will not be there so I am safe. Speaking of.....Snooty mom gave me a compliment today as she thought I held a splendid event for our children. I was awesome. In fact, today I had lunch with E and as I walked through the cafeteria, I got lots of hugs from the little boys that were there. They all wanted to sit with E and I at the parent table. He was proud and even gave me a big hug when I left. I definitely proved myself with the kids so I think the parents will come around.

I have wanted to post but everything was dreary and sad. I won't go into possible titles but they were very dark and I figured I would wait till it passed. You know what? It did.

Ok, so now I have 2 hours 45 minutes to do a research paper that is not even started. Anyone know anything on Andre Dubus?? If you do feel free to email. I will be here nursing a cup of coffee that may have a little liquor in it.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Show off

Supposedly Barren Siberian Tiger gives birth to cubs.

I shoud send this to my mother. She always feels the overwhelming need to tell me when anyone is pregnant. She is also good at pointing out every single baby we see anywhere.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Hot Thoughts

Eric,

What a night we had last night!

As we sat there in the dim light.

Our eyes locked.

That sexy brooding look you get with that sexy twitching along your jaw line.

I know you wanted it.

You know I wanted it.

We felt as if we were the only people in the room.

With the same goal.

The same hot thoughts.

We were both thinking???






I wish this stupid snooty mom would shut up so we can finish this meeting. Yeah you know you wanted it too.


*btw, all of you are pure perverts!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Touche'

"Look I hung all my soccer stuff together for my next game."

"Well thats good but we have to wash it first."

"Why"

As I take a whiff I pass to him. "Here, smell this. Do you want to smell like this?"

He sniffs. "Well I am going to smell like that anyway when I am done!"

Friday, September 26, 2008

infertile Mertile

Today was supposed to be our first RE appointment and here I sit on my period. I didn't do the math before we set the appoitment but I soon realized my error and called. I am 3 days late so I was getting a little what ify but not in the junkie POAS way. I knew I was going to start due to my crazy pms symptoms this month.

I am really thinking about consulting a counselor as I have got to get out of this depression. I am not handleing things very well.

I am ok on the surface but if for one second I let my thoughts wonder then I am a basket case. I am really scared that I am going to totally loose it. There is this crazy woman just waiting to make a fool of the shell that is smiling and laughing.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

hahahahahahahahahahaha

*"Two Flower Mound High School students were arrested after they dressed up in costumes and ran across the field during a football game. Oddly enough it was the banana chasing the gorilla. Police say they recommended sending the kids home to their parents, but school officials insisted on arresting the students for trespassing."

I just have to say that that is pretty freakin funny. Also damn the school for pressing charges!

I would be absolutely 100% proud of E for coming up with such an idea.

*found in E*ast T*exas D*aily news.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What to expect when you think you are crazy

Umm. I am little concerned that I might just need professional help. Midol.. not working so I switched to beer.

Mydol, Soccar,

Yeah this will be that kind of post. Call it a stew. A little bit of everything thrown together.

Yesterday was bad. I was really tired for some reason and could not stay awake. I got home and was so tired and teary and mean that I just went to bed. Does anyone remember that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra is pmsing and is so bad that Ray buys her midol?? Well, that was me. I think I did the best thing possible though, I called me best friend and talked for a good 45 minutes and went to bed.

This morning I feel like a million bucks, THANK YOU MIDOL. I am thinking I could be on the commercial. My flabby ass in a blue bikini asking for Brownies. Yes. It is going to be a good day.

E HATES soccar and I find it quite boring so do I make him stay in or just let him quit already?? The coach has made him sit out at least half of every game anyway so its not like he is letting his team down. I don't know. We are so busy but I had to go and make a big deal that if he signed up he had to play the whole season. So if I give in then he wins a silent battle of wills. However, we both win by not having to sit through 4 hours of soccar a week.

What would you do?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Why?

All my titles lately have been some kind of question. Why is that?? I am trying to get into NCLW but I don't have anything. Never fear as I always have some sort of fluff for you.

I feel if I continue right now I will surely put you to sleep. When I get some amusing material rest assured I will be back my pretties.

You will not have to wait long:
  • Tonight is E's second soccar game and he HATES it.
  • I have a snooty mom meeting this week
  • I am experiancing TERRIBLE pms symptoms and Flo is right around the corner
  • I have a huge zit that refuses to die..see bullet point #3
Welcome ICLWers, hee hee hee I said Wee-ers. Hope you all have a great week and I look forward reading and learning more about my fellow blogger buddies.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Double Standard


I have no problem exploiting my dog. This will be Norbit's costume this year. I am very excited. Petsmart has a deal today that you get 8% back on Ebates. I am probably one of that last people to get on the Ebates bandwagon but better late than never.

If there is another poor soul that has not signed up for Ebates I am deeply concerned for your over-all well being. I have 22.00 coming back already and I have just bought stuff I buy everyday. Pretty cool indeed. If you are feeling froggy sign up here and you will get $5 and I will get $5.

After signing up, head to Petsmart and get a great Halloween costume for your pooch.

Just don't get it too big with a crazy logo or I might just have to blog about you. I do have standards and civil duties to uphold.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Really?

I have been sitting here trying to find a way to say this without it being totally harsh. I mean I don't want to scare away readers but I feel that it is my civil duty to intervene.

Has anyone seen the email or myspace picture of the little chubby boy that is wearing an over sized t-shirt that says "I beat anorexia?" Well, I saw the live shot at a football game Friday night.

The shirt in question was pretty catchy and here is where I may loose a few but again...MY CIVIL DUTY. Ok. Back to the shirt. The shirt was a 2XL ,easy, on a eleven(ish) year old boy. It could have been a dress. Now this little boy had glasses and disheveled hair and was a little heavy. On the t-shirt was this saying.."Jesus died on the cross for Myspace in Heaven." Do you have the mental picture? Little boy, dress/shirt, turquoise in color, football game.

I may be over reacting here but that just screams pick on me. Its not the religious shirt...really...it is this religious shirt on the boy that swallows him and draws attention to his belly.

This strikes a nerve. Maybe it is because my mom dressed me funny too? Maybe I am just a bitchy, haggy, infertile? I just know that when I saw that kid I felt deeply sorry for him.

E,
I promise to never dress you in an over sized adult t-shirt that turns you into a walking billboard.

Its just WRONG.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Is it in the Water??

So I just had a very interesting conversation with my new RE's nurse. Its seems that there are a shit TON of women in my town that are patients at theirs. That may not seem abnormal but I live in a small town in east Texas and my RE is 100 miles away. I just wonder why there are so many in town with problems. Its just seemed to me that she was trying to tell me something. I may be paranoid.

Rewind to a couple of months ago..We received notice that our water did not pass some very important regulations and that no one with weak immune systems as in elderly, children, aids, or leukemia patients. I found this concerning and have been trying to use filtered, bottled water. We have many children with leukemia here. I think I am going to do a little research this weekend.

Another thing we talked about was my history. This was all done on the phone ,btw, with no charge to us yet. I really think I am going to love these people. Anyway, I had a c-section with E and at 16 had a laproscopy surgery looking for endo. Now I have mentioned this to my two gyno's here several times. Nothing..

Nurse said that her daughter had a child with no problems and then had to have an iui due to complications from the c-section. Now we may be dealing with factors on both sides due to mf. She also said that they have seen SA's come back differently all the time. Low counts can be for several reasons. My husband had been working all night and had not had any sleep yet. He was extremely nervous..etc. I am sorry Eric. I know we talked about not including you in blog and I am trying. At least I didn't tell them about.....jk

Ok now that I am single, I will finish my story. I absent mindedly made our appointment for cd 29 and as we all no Flo just can't seem to miss a visit then I simply can't have my lady bits exposed that day. So after talking about our schedules and such we have decided to put our appointment on hold until around the first of the year. It sucks, but I feel we will be at a better place financially and hopefully mentally.

As for today we are going to watch a high school football game and eat nachos.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tornadoes

I am totally terrified of storms...I mean I get shit-faced and still hide in a corner and sob. Here is the conversation that took place at lunch.

Eric: "did you bring home a pizza"?

Me: "no, is there not something here you can eat?"

Eric: "No and we need to keep everything stocked for all the tornadoes we are supposed to have this weekend."

Me: Ummm What????

no answer.

Just checked forcast...shit...damn hurricane. I do not live on the coast therefore should not be in danger of this shit.

Polly Wanna Cracker??(Wordless Wed)


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Confessions

I just posted on another blog and the words that I typed really startled me when I read them back to myself.

"Being infertile has mad me a much better mother but sadly, it has made me a worse wife."

I am doing farely well with pulling myself out of the pit of dispair that was last week. But I look at that statement and see one more thing that I have been robbed of. I am about to celebrate my 2 year anniversary with my husband and I am so happy that we are here. I remember laying in bed thinking about what it would be like to live forever with this man. The plans and dreams I had for us. How special and lucky I felt to find this love that I had wanted and needed my whole life. The way he looked at me when I was in the kitchen. The way he would come up behind me and just wrap his arms around me.

My marriage today? Well it is still beautiful and special. I am very happy. But if I analyze it? It is not a 2 year marriage. It has been shaken and stirred. We have walked on it and have left cups on it without coasters. No permanent damage but the white rings are there.

I love my husband. I thank God every single day. There are many times through this past year that I have no clue how he has stood me. But I am glad that he has.

I want to take back things that I have said but simply can't. I want to grow as a wife too. I don't know how to do that. I wan't to figure it out.

Me

My first vivid memory of my grandfather took place in a small country church in a close community of family and friends. The teaching of faith and humanity began the impressions of my childhood. Sitting there tucked in next to my grandmother chewing Wrigley’s Spearmint gum, I listened for the first time, fascinated by the hope and love I read in my grandfather’s face.

Many summers were spent with my grandparents. My cousins and I had many wonderful times playing in the homes that my grandparents called their own. We had lots of friends in the church and always had someone visiting. I made many trips with my grandfather to these same people when they were sick, hurting, or just needed his ear. My favorite day of the week was Sunday. My grandfather in his suit with the leather patches on his elbows and his cowboy boots (after all this is Texas) and my grandmother in one of her many dresses. After church there was always a dinner invitation and wonderful meal. Sunday nights would find most of us children curled up on a wooden pew while our grandfather’s words and “amen’s” hung in the air.

I find as an adult my grandfather’s instructions still have a way of centering me. If I have a burning question I got to my grandfather. Advice? He is the first person I call. Through my many road blocks and life struggles; I still seek the message of hope and love that I found so long ago, in my grandfather’s eyes that first Sunday morning

this is actually and exerpt from an english paper I had to write. I found that it was good blog material and will show another layer that is Marie. This is a poor representation to where I am now in my faith, but, I do feel this way about this man and I hope in the future I can get back to that place in my faith.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Day Dreams

Lets play a game...

If you could be anywhere for vaction right now then where would you be??

Sunday, September 7, 2008

navel gazing at its finest: The Blog Book#links

navel gazing at its finest: The Blog Book#links

Hey guys,

I am not sure how this all works but check out this contest for a very good cause.

I plan to submit a story for the book.

I plan to submit this post.

Beans, Bean, good for the....

Me: "E, eat your beans they give you energy through protein".

E: "Oh, I thought they just made you fart loud".

Me: "umm, that too"

E: "Beans, Beans... "

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Brownies

No not the chocolate, gooey, yummy but fatty ones. I mean the magical ones that come out and clean while you are sleeping. Oh how I wish I had my own team of brownies. I have been cleaning all morning and it sucks donkey balls. I have been letting my house go and my sweet little (huge) puppy said "enough, what can I do to make mommy clean house?" To answer the question; she decided to CHEW up everything while we were sleeping. She got my new cell phone (you know the cool new one that I can get online and check up with my darling bloggie buddies),Our comforter(ok because I have been wanting a new one for quite some time),some poor gutless stuffed animal, and the last pair of shoes that didn't have puppy teeth in them. So now I am sifting through the wreckage. I have insurance on my phone so at least I don't have to pay another $200 or so. I guess that will teach me to run out of raw hide chews huh? She is now outside like "hey, its Saturday and you are home so LET ME IN!!! Nope, not happening. If my little *norbit doesn't stop whining he is going to.

*Just to let you know the names of my animals have been changed for blogging purposes. They are slightly unusual names that might be a beacon light for those who know me so here is what I decided for pet names:

Norbit-My Chihuahua
Resfusha-My lab
Ragamuffin-Kitty next door that showed up in middle of night that new neighbors just got but can't find the time to take care of.
Junk yard Dog-Eric's cat that rules the roost and makes our yard a war zone for wandering pests and other animals.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Geez

I was just kidding.

AAAAAhhhhhhh...New Day, New Day

I swear if my marriage goes south due to infertility I am going to become a lesbian....any takers??

New Day

Good Morning all,
After spending the day wading through all the shit in my head I feel a ton better. Thank you all for your support and kind comments over the past week. I have been a terrible commenter but I will get better. Today is a new day. I realize that no matter what happens in my life I will get through it. I may not like it but I will get through it. I want things that may not happen but what I do have is pretty great. It is a little dirty right now and there are some holes but its mine and I love it. I will switch my focus on the people in my life that I do have and work on being the person that I was before that made my great life happen. Taking care of the family ties that I have and weeding this garden seem detrimental to growing.

My cousin and wife had their first baby and I went to the hospital last night. I was hard but as I held that sweet baby and those fingers locked around mine I realised that the only way this would be great to me is with my loving husband. Right now things are not so loving and I am very much to blame for that. I want him to adore me like he used to. But in his shoes I am not someone that I would want to adore. I am not taking his thoughts into account it has been very much about me and what I want. I never even considered us not sharing the same goals and the same dreams.

Our age difference makes us see things differently. I can not expect him to feel and act the way I do. If he did act exactly like me and am sure I would not love him as much as I do.

Whatever happens in our life I want it to happen together and with the magical love that we discovered with each other.

Instead of making myself crazy about what I do not have. I intend on loving and taking care of what I do have. Not forgetting my dream but making sure that my dreams are not the only ones in the relationship that happen.

My husband is dealing with the same things I am. He loves me. I know he does. Even when I make it hard. And Eric, Even when it seems like our love is so buried in all of our daily shit, I still remember the first day you said you loved me. I remember all the great things you have done to show me how special I am. We will get through this. We will love deeper and richer because of these things. We are forever and a day.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I hate her

I have been trying to get to a better place before I put another post up but ,sadly, I am not there yet. I guess I have so much swimming around that I just can't put it all on here. I just feel like I am drying up on the inside. I have a familiar numbness creeping in that I hate and hope with all my heart that it will go away.

Infertility has made me this whole other person. I hate her. She cries all the time and bitches about every little thing. There is a certain selfishness about her that makes the important things such as babies being born, unattended children, baby showers, hell even baby stores in the mall intolerable. Filling out the RE paperwork makes her inconsolable.

Simple every day tasks and important responsibilities are just things she does and there is very little joy even in them. She is pushing away her husband and she can feel it and sadly that numbness is making her not really care.

Tears are gone today as there are not more that can be produced. If I do not get a hold on this I am going to loose what I have and I know it. But right now? I just can't stop.

I pass people all day and even those directly in my life do not get it and it makes me not even want to care.

I have to shake this darkness but I do not know how.

There are other things going on that I can't even express on here adding to this. I think everyone around me well..I know everyone around me thinks I am crazy and I am I guess.

I do not think having a baby is going to happen and it hurts but not as much as everyone else's coolness about it.

See I didn't want to put all this word vomit on here but at least if you decide to leave and stop reading I will not know about it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

100th?

My dashboard says this is my 100th post but on my blog it say 98th. This is a pretty heavy one so we are going to say that it is the 100th.

We got the results back from Eric's test and long story short....

Everything borders on abnormal
Everything that should be high is low.

Does this mean that we cannot get pregnant? No. Does it mean it presents more of a fucking challenge? Yes.

All this time I just knew there was a problem with me. I never once considered that Eric.

This is new territory. I am lost and I feel like I am about to drown.

I know how to test for ovulation, pee on sticks, supplements, iui...

What is the FUCK do I know about semen? Nothing. I know its wet, and sometimes sticky and not very pleasant when its your turn the sleep in "the spot".

We have to meet with an RE that is a given. But what do I do until then?

I know Eric is sad but he doesn't show these things and when he does it is in a sarcastic way and I know that he is hurting. I do not know how to comfort him or even if he wants me too. I love him so much and I KNOW how he is probably feeling and I hurt for my husband.

He just felt all the negative pee sticks, every sign of flo, every monthly disappointment in one FUCKING test.

He is watching CNN I am blogging...I guess Mars and Venus

Monday, August 25, 2008

Don't Pick at it!!!

If you have a soft spot in your tile and the grout looks a little dingy, for the love of God, Do Not Pick at it!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I am trying to upload pics and blogger is not wanting to so to sum it up.

Eric was scubbing the tile because he thought the bathroom tile needed to be regrouted. The wall fell apart in his hands.

I wanted to have some interesting posts everyday. I am sorry.

Also I sometimes don't due what I aim to so you will have to get used to it.

But, if you think I am falling down on ICLW I am not. I managed to comment on 56 blogs friday. I have not replied to comments though but do not fear I will.

Now read statement above that promise...I will try my best.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The dream

Ok, while the dream is not as fresh as this morning; I did make notes so I think it will be ok.

My dream started with Eric bringing me a positive pee stick and telling me it was positive. I did not remember peeing on one but I didn't care. Heck. I was seeing a positive pee stick. It was the one with a plus sign with I hardly ever use not really sure which brand though. I was all excited and was going to tell everyone at the FAMILY GATHERING that we were having.

Well the next thing you know I am at the SKATING RINK and in walks B*LL CL*NTON and says "I am here for the Reunion and I need help getting to your house" I swear with my hand on the bible this is what I said to him

"Look even though you were the president. My husband is a very jealous man and he will beat the living shit out of you if you touch me" (yes I curse even while dreaming apparently).

We get home and I live in a mobile home. I am not saying there is anything wrong with mobile homes I have owned a few of them. However, I do not live in one now but I didn't seem concerned.

I get in the house and then get ready to go to school. My,well, somebody I don't remember who now said "You go to school at night" and I am all "Well, shit, I need to be at work then. I then realize that I am so late for work and I did not call so I am screwed.

Just then there is a knock at the door and it is my boss. Well my one of them. The one who sits and talks and reads to me all day. She is all looking in that glass window in mobile home doors and she sees me.

So I start acting as sick as I can so that I don't get in trouble.

The phone starts ringing loudly and I can't act feeble and try to find the phone so I'm saying somebody please get the phone.

I then wake up and realize it is the alarm.

I got up early so I could umm assist Eric with his dreaded task...(at hand). I can't really elaborate because he will get all mad. But just know that I was an ass and laughed the ENTIRE time. I got kicked out and was banned from the bedroom.

I am such an ass sometimes..oops

*snicker snicker snicker
*giggle giggle

What do pee sticks, and presidents have in commen?

Updated!!


Wow, I need a dream interpreter over here stat! Here are the elements in my dream

  • positive pregnancy test
  • B*ll Cl*nton
  • Skating Rink
  • Boss
  • College
  • Family Gathering

Ok so I was going to tell you the dream; but after comprising the list I thought of something much more interesting.

Since it is ICLW week, I want YOU to tell ME what you think my dream was. Since we get more comments than usual I think this will be funny.

I thought about throwing in a chicken for comic affect even though there was not one in my dream so if you feel that this dream needs a chicken feel free to throw one in.

Sincerely,

Marie

Just a little hint... This was absolutely, in no way, a sex dream about the former pr*sid*ent. Just wanted to clear that up because ewww. Keep guessing

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Things I did at Lunch

1. Went to school to meet E’s teacher. (His packet was already picked up by his father and was filled out with his info and not mine grrrrr)
2. Went to X’s home got the folder to correct.
3. Went home and complained to Eric
4. Went to the bank
5. Picked up Eric’s cup (requested a bag so I didn’t have to carry the cup. They then placed said cup in a bag advertising birth control . Now I am scared I jinxed the cup.
6.Bought a hot dog.

Things I will do tonight

1. Shower
2. Go to a fundraiser kickoff
3. Go to bed early

Retraction

So Eric made me promise to delete the posts last night if he helped me find the remote for my TV in the bedroom. He did end up finding it so here goes.

Due to the fact that the lady at the lab royally pissed me off yesterday, I may have been a tad hostile and he may not have been as big of an ass that I made him out to be. He was deeply involved in watching the Olympics and didn't want to be disturbed.

I hear by declare that Eric does not or for the most part has never been such an ass that he leaked rancid grease.

I do love him so.

Now back to the lab. I have found that Eric's tests are covered completely (tyfm!) He is a little freaked so I emailed him this post so that he knows that he is not alone. And because it is so moving and sweet and that is what I want he to focus on, the bigger picture.

Anyway, the lab says we need to pre-register as we will be bring the sample from home. So I stopped yesterday to do this. The hospital is 30 miles away so I though I would go ahead and due this while I was there and save a trip.

Come to find out you have to pre-register the day of. Yes they want us to drive over, go home, get the stuff, and come back. So not happening. Eric will have to do it all on his own now because I will not be able to go with him. He is not happy about this at all.

It feels to me that when we have trouble with something we call a professional. Whether it be a plumber, contractor, mechanic etc. They make us feel better and fix the problem. They normally work until we are satisfied or they do not get paid. Doctors on the other hand get paid regardless. They have that little insurance card before they even see you. If they do not do what you expect..no worries they still get paid. Maybe if they got paid when a service was completed they would do a better job. I'm just sayin

Also the fact that people with insurance are charged more than people without is PURE D bullshit. Again, I'm just sayin

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wordless Wednesday


Multiples

This is going to sound stupid, but I have had so much swimming around in my head and events this week that I simply could not form a post about any of it.

My baby boy turned 8 years old and we celebrated with a sleepover complete with tents in the back yard. We played laser tag and I let him make his own cake (he wanted to). We had a wonderful time and his little friend was a very well behaved child. I hope that E is that good when he goes to someone's home.

The boys made it until about 9:30 in the tent. They then decided that they would not be able to sleep due to the noise outside (and they were scared to death)

I will post more later I need sleep.

Hubs is an ass today....you are Eric.....Pure Ass that oozes rancid grease.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Austa La Vista

Apparently Peter lives next door but the owners decided to leave all 3 new kittens outside by themselves for over 24 hours. That figures.

Meet Peter


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Rest

So, I got the date wrong for my Dr appointment and it was today not yesterday. I was strangely excited and more prepared than I have ever been for an appointment. I made a list of all my concerns and questions. I waited in the lobby with all the pregnant people. I am sure that I was the only one that had makeup on and for bonus points I left my child at home.

So Dr. Do nothing came in and did the basic things for my annual exam. Listened to me for about 30 seconds, scribbled in my chart and told me to get dressed. As I was taking off the pink paper gown the tears started. I found a box of tissues and started working to compose myself as the Dr came back into the room

"Why are you crying" he asked. Well folks, I lost it. I ranted and spit and just well, lost it. I said I was tired of feeling that no one in the medical profession gave a rats ass if I ever got pregnant or not. I fumed that there was one Dr to check Eric's sperm and wanted a quarter of an IUI to do it. I went off.

So Dr Do a Little starts scrambling around for cards and referrals. Now there are 3 clinics that will test Eric's sperm at a fraction of the price and he is pretty sure insurance will pick up the tab. Also if Eric checks out to be fine then Dr. Do a Little More is concerned that scar tissue from my C-section may be hindering my tubes from working correctly and that laser surgery may be necessary. If that was the case he would personally handle the referral to a surgeon he knows that is the best he has seen. (He does not handle that kind of surgery)

I am super surprised that I didn't leave that office with some Zoloft because at one point I saw "commit this woman" in his eyes. I thanked Dr. Helpful for the information, paid my bill and headed to my car.

Next I called the insurance company and asked if sperm analysis was covered and if it is coded correctly it most certainly is.

When I got home I got on the Internet and started this post but could not put it in the right words. I did figure out twitter so check that out on my sidebar. And you can email me now so I look forward to hearing from you guys.

Instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself I took E skating. We got there and there is just something about a skating rink that soothes me. I think it is the great music that they play but I started skating and I could not stop. I went round and round for what seemed like forever. I was taken back with all the tunes to past times when I was a kid and LIVED to go skating every weekend.

I even had a smile on my tear-stained face. Then this started playing. Now I have really been wrestling with my faith for the last few years. Me and God have had a strained relationship since my parents' divorce. It has gotten even worse in the last year. I stopped talking when He stopped listening.

Well when Casting Crowns started blaring so did I. I bet people thought I was nuts cause I was really letting God have it. I cried, skated, yelled at God, I even said ..I am pissed at you. Now I know you are not supposed to say that to him but I was and well, still am. I said "you always let me fall". As sure as I am sitting here typing He said to me "I let my son die and looked how much I loved him" Silence......"Well I am still mad".

After that we had a lovely time and I guess I just settled down and let my mind rest.

When we got home I put E to bed and I called my Aunt and talked to her for a while. I was standing at my sliding glass door and looking back at me was the smallest little kitten looking back at me. I told my aunt I had to go and opened the door and he walked right in and started loving on me.

I just sat and cried. I am crying now. God did listen and he sent me a baby to hold in my arms even if its just tonight. This little guy is setting in my lap with his motor boat going resting.

Thank you God and I am sorry I said pissed to you. I think I will name the little guy Peter after his mama. I will try not to deny you again.

Oh yea, I will post pics just as soon as I can.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I'M ON A ROLL

A girl on my gaming site just got asked if her twins were natural. People are such assholes tonight!

Snooty Mothers Club

Why is it that people will not volunteer their precious time but want to criticize how other people do it. I am trying to a job that was given to me on CHRISTMAS FREAKIN EVE, that nobody wanted I might add, with NO training and I have never even taught a Sunday school class.

You people put me in a room with 15 kids and stand there and watch me while they run around scalping each other. I am new to this too but am trying to make the best of it so that my son can get badges and learn how to tie knots and stuff.

If you would help me a little we might have SOME of the organization you crave.

Who cares that there is no agenda they are 8 as long as we give them a game and a snack they are good I promise.

Also when you have a meeting (roasting) at you home it is NOT polite to stand outside and talk to the other mom while I am sitting at your kitchen table.

Here is the agenda for the next meeting

1.SUCK IT
2.SUCK IT
3.SUCK IT


Also I gotta got the gyno tomorrow and I am so pissed and shakey that I am scared to shave my legs and trim the lady bits.

Thank you for the pleasant evening.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Dear Ralph

Dear Ralph Lauren,

I took half of summer to find just the right swim suit. I scoured the Internet and every store in town. I tried on 2 dozen. Some reduced me to tears and some were just not quite right. Some would have worked but I just didn't feel like they were the one for me.

Well It was a blistering hot day in July and I was sweetly telling (bugging the shit out of) Eric that I would not be able to participate in our vacational activities if I did not find a swim suit. He stopped at hillsborro outlet strip mall and (dumped me out) quietly insisted that I could not get back in the car until I had a swim suit in my hand.

Your store was the first store that I came to. I walked in and was greeted by your lovely (size 2) sales girl who directed me to your rack of swim wear.

That is when I saw it. It was speaking to me from the hanger. I grabbed my size(none of your beez wax) and went to the dressing room. FYI it is not nice to have the sales lady stand out side when you are trying to wriggle around in the dressing room while putting on a bathing suit. Anyway, I love love loved it. The fit was great, it was slimming I could not ask for a better suit.

I am an ample bosomed woman and here in lies the problem. There is the tiniest foam pad in the lining of the booby area. I am assuming this is to cover headlights but really it doesn't do that so being that a full figure woman usually doesn't need padding; I think you should just not have that in there.

If you must keep the padding do something so that is does not fold in half while wearing said suit so that we do not look like we have a pack of matches covering out boobies. I don't know about anyone else but I would rather have high beams than someone to think that I am storing something in there.

I hope you consider what I have said and use my advice in your designs next summer.

Thanks a bunch
Marie

I got tagged!!!

I got tagged for a meme. This is my first time and I would like thank Anna for tagging me and making me feel special. Also Anna went through a difficult couple of days and I very happy that today is better for her.

The meme is "Songs that make us cry". As everyone I have many that make the tears flow. But the one song that still gets me is

Tim McGraw "Angry all the time"

My parents were going through their divorce when this song first came out. The lyrics make me think of my parents. I may post about that another day. Below are the lyrics if you are interested.

I think I shall tag.......Ophelia (who I just found and really like her writing), dear Kate(who is also awesome), Io(you too girly), and anyone else who would like to do this.



"Angry All The Time"

Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy I got to get away


The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time


Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you For the light in your eyes was gone
sometimes I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

2 more Gripes

1. All my comments were erased from one of my posts!!

2. Everytime I log into blogger there is about 5 newborn babies. they are adorable. they really are but come on I am logging on to whine that I do not have one. Ok I am a total bitch...to all who owns those babies they are very pretty and I am very jealous.

Wishing for WORDLESS

She is at it again. I think I may let a silent fart so she will forced to take a walk as to sit in my "own little cloud". Now how do I make sure to go SILENT but deadly? This could go very bad if it makes a sound cause then, I look like an ass who farts in front of people. She is still going. Ok. I guess I will take a walk cause I am just too concerned about the noise and now I gotta fart.

Wordless Wednesday

This is my nephew holding a fish. We had to pry it out of his little hands.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Catching my breath

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a fantabulous weekend. I was too tired to update yesterday but I have a LOT to get off my chest. As I mentioned last post my grandparents came to visit for a few days.

I was prepared. The toilets were scrubbed, everything in its home, vacuumed, scrubbed, mopped and I even made sure the cabinets and closets were tidy. I stocked the house with groceries and greeted with a smile on my face. Everything was great Thursday night. We invited Eric's parents over for dinner and my mom came. We had a wonderful time.

Here is where the shiteth hiteth the fan:

You all know the favorite question right??? Yep. When are y'all gonna have a baby. DUM, DUM, DUUUUUM. I shrugged off, laughed off, gave little detail. Finally by that night mind you there were only here 4 hours all the hated things were said.

  • God will work in his time.
  • Maybe you should adopt a little baby then you would get pregnant

It gets so much worse. Here is what I was not prepared for:

"Oh honey, you aren't taking any of those fertility pills are you? Those things seem so dangerous to me. Its just not natural and who knows what it will do to your body. You know God is the only one capable of creating life and if you screw around with that you are in trouble. You know that they are growing babies in the tubes now? I saw it on oh...one of those talk show.....i don't remember which one. I just wonder if those children are natural. I just don't think its right. You just don't play with God's work."

I felt the heat in my face, I took a very deep cleansing breath and went to bed.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Don't tell anyone over 65 about fertility. They will not get it and will probably say something that will royally piss you off.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Nice to meet you

Well since I have been blogging for a while now, I thought I would introduce you to my mother.

My mom is the oldest of 4 and is a single woman learning to adjust to living on her own and working a full-time job. She is a very religious person and has strong views as to how she lives her life. Needless to say that finding a man that fits into this niche is not easy.
Mom is terrible shy and sometimes this comes across as very unsociable. She doesn’t fit into just any crowd. No smoking, drinking, cursing, etc etc if she feels that you partake in any of these things then you can hang it up.

While it is good to have standards, she is so incredibly lonely and sad. I want her to be happy and find love again. My mom is only 48 and if feel that she has a whole new life to be lived and countless adventures.

She was raised to believe that everything is sinful and you can see this in her face. If a prince rode up to her on a white horse with a rose in his teethe followed by a golden carriage full of rubies, but had a tattoo, she would send him packing.

She is so angry at my father for leaving after 24 years of marriage she also does not trust anyone. She is still so angry. I want to help her but I just do not know how.

My parents divorced 7 years ago and my mom has lived by herself and held a full-time job a total of 2 years. The other time she has lived with me or her parents. She does not have any drive or ambition to have a career she just wants to be married and stay home. But, she wants to travel and have nice things. I guess to sum it up she wants a rich, religious man who like to travel, play games and doesn’t mind if she reads romance novels 24/7 and plays on the computer…any takers?

My introduction does have a point. My dad’s parents are coming for a visit this weekend and I told her so that she would not be surprised if she showed up. She is still terrible uncomfortable around him or his family.

She called just called me at work and wants me to come over after work because she has something to tell me. I am wondering what it is. I told her she better not be pregnant and told her I would see her at 5:30. I just love messing with her.