Thursday, September 4, 2008

I hate her

I have been trying to get to a better place before I put another post up but ,sadly, I am not there yet. I guess I have so much swimming around that I just can't put it all on here. I just feel like I am drying up on the inside. I have a familiar numbness creeping in that I hate and hope with all my heart that it will go away.

Infertility has made me this whole other person. I hate her. She cries all the time and bitches about every little thing. There is a certain selfishness about her that makes the important things such as babies being born, unattended children, baby showers, hell even baby stores in the mall intolerable. Filling out the RE paperwork makes her inconsolable.

Simple every day tasks and important responsibilities are just things she does and there is very little joy even in them. She is pushing away her husband and she can feel it and sadly that numbness is making her not really care.

Tears are gone today as there are not more that can be produced. If I do not get a hold on this I am going to loose what I have and I know it. But right now? I just can't stop.

I pass people all day and even those directly in my life do not get it and it makes me not even want to care.

I have to shake this darkness but I do not know how.

There are other things going on that I can't even express on here adding to this. I think everyone around me well..I know everyone around me thinks I am crazy and I am I guess.

I do not think having a baby is going to happen and it hurts but not as much as everyone else's coolness about it.

See I didn't want to put all this word vomit on here but at least if you decide to leave and stop reading I will not know about it.


HereWeGoAJen said...

I've certainly felt like this in the past. It happens to everyone, I think. I'm sending you some good thoughts.

Aunt Becky said...

It just all fucking sucks. I'm so sorry that it's so hard.

Tiffanie said...

i feel like you took all of my thoughts and wrote this. it's hard, but know that you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

This is the very place for it honey. You know I'm there with you. It's so hard when you know you're doing it too. Heaven knows, I've pushed M. away.

I hate that word "selfish". Why shouldn't we be selfish? We should be "others-ish"? Ten to one, you're like me (and most women) and have always put everyone else first! Now, there is just ONE thing we want. I think they can just suck it up a bit and listen to us rant!

Io said...

Infertility robs us of so many things. One of the worst is our sense of self and balance.
Big hugs my friend. I'm always here if you need to talk.