I just posted on another blog and the words that I typed really startled me when I read them back to myself.
"Being infertile has mad me a much better mother but sadly, it has made me a worse wife."
I am doing farely well with pulling myself out of the pit of dispair that was last week. But I look at that statement and see one more thing that I have been robbed of. I am about to celebrate my 2 year anniversary with my husband and I am so happy that we are here. I remember laying in bed thinking about what it would be like to live forever with this man. The plans and dreams I had for us. How special and lucky I felt to find this love that I had wanted and needed my whole life. The way he looked at me when I was in the kitchen. The way he would come up behind me and just wrap his arms around me.
My marriage today? Well it is still beautiful and special. I am very happy. But if I analyze it? It is not a 2 year marriage. It has been shaken and stirred. We have walked on it and have left cups on it without coasters. No permanent damage but the white rings are there.
I love my husband. I thank God every single day. There are many times through this past year that I have no clue how he has stood me. But I am glad that he has.
I want to take back things that I have said but simply can't. I want to grow as a wife too. I don't know how to do that. I wan't to figure it out.
5 comments:
That's tough. Marriage is hard at the best of times and things like this can be a lot to handle.
I wonder about that too. Does infertility fast-forward a marriage? Have we had more heartbreak than others this early in (though ours is 3 yrs, he was gone for 1 of them)? Or is everyone having it this hard? I wish we could argue over things like what color I painted a room or who spent what instead of who cares more.
yep that is exactly what I am saying. There is not room for petty arguments. There is very little make up sex just pissiness. It sucks. I feel like we are just walking around defeated.
DH and I are just now approaching our 1 year anniversary. Unfortunately, we never even had the luxury of a lovey dovey-ness as we never lived together before we got married. It's so sad because we missed out on being newlyweds since we were so focused and hung up on TTC... It's just not fair. Now I feel like we're two different people. I love my husband with all my heart, but there are so many days when I wonder how he could possibly still love me as much as he did before we got married... I'm so broken.
It's so hard - IF fucks so much stuff up. And it's awful the way it comes between when you need each other the most.
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