Good Morning all,
After spending the day wading through all the shit in my head I feel a ton better. Thank you all for your support and kind comments over the past week. I have been a terrible commenter but I will get better. Today is a new day. I realize that no matter what happens in my life I will get through it. I may not like it but I will get through it. I want things that may not happen but what I do have is pretty great. It is a little dirty right now and there are some holes but its mine and I love it. I will switch my focus on the people in my life that I do have and work on being the person that I was before that made my great life happen. Taking care of the family ties that I have and weeding this garden seem detrimental to growing.
My cousin and wife had their first baby and I went to the hospital last night. I was hard but as I held that sweet baby and those fingers locked around mine I realised that the only way this would be great to me is with my loving husband. Right now things are not so loving and I am very much to blame for that. I want him to adore me like he used to. But in his shoes I am not someone that I would want to adore. I am not taking his thoughts into account it has been very much about me and what I want. I never even considered us not sharing the same goals and the same dreams.
Our age difference makes us see things differently. I can not expect him to feel and act the way I do. If he did act exactly like me and am sure I would not love him as much as I do.
Whatever happens in our life I want it to happen together and with the magical love that we discovered with each other.
Instead of making myself crazy about what I do not have. I intend on loving and taking care of what I do have. Not forgetting my dream but making sure that my dreams are not the only ones in the relationship that happen.
My husband is dealing with the same things I am. He loves me. I know he does. Even when I make it hard. And Eric, Even when it seems like our love is so buried in all of our daily shit, I still remember the first day you said you loved me. I remember all the great things you have done to show me how special I am. We will get through this. We will love deeper and richer because of these things. We are forever and a day.