Friday, September 5, 2008

New Day

Good Morning all,
After spending the day wading through all the shit in my head I feel a ton better. Thank you all for your support and kind comments over the past week. I have been a terrible commenter but I will get better. Today is a new day. I realize that no matter what happens in my life I will get through it. I may not like it but I will get through it. I want things that may not happen but what I do have is pretty great. It is a little dirty right now and there are some holes but its mine and I love it. I will switch my focus on the people in my life that I do have and work on being the person that I was before that made my great life happen. Taking care of the family ties that I have and weeding this garden seem detrimental to growing.

My cousin and wife had their first baby and I went to the hospital last night. I was hard but as I held that sweet baby and those fingers locked around mine I realised that the only way this would be great to me is with my loving husband. Right now things are not so loving and I am very much to blame for that. I want him to adore me like he used to. But in his shoes I am not someone that I would want to adore. I am not taking his thoughts into account it has been very much about me and what I want. I never even considered us not sharing the same goals and the same dreams.

Our age difference makes us see things differently. I can not expect him to feel and act the way I do. If he did act exactly like me and am sure I would not love him as much as I do.

Whatever happens in our life I want it to happen together and with the magical love that we discovered with each other.

Instead of making myself crazy about what I do not have. I intend on loving and taking care of what I do have. Not forgetting my dream but making sure that my dreams are not the only ones in the relationship that happen.

My husband is dealing with the same things I am. He loves me. I know he does. Even when I make it hard. And Eric, Even when it seems like our love is so buried in all of our daily shit, I still remember the first day you said you loved me. I remember all the great things you have done to show me how special I am. We will get through this. We will love deeper and richer because of these things. We are forever and a day.


HereWeGoAJen said...

I am glad you are feeling better.

Anonymous said...

The thing about mood swings is that eventually they swing back. But there are some really close calls. I know we've had them.

Now, I often don't talk to M. about what's going on fertility-wise at all. It's easier on him and on me. In fact, after a while he asks about this or that, and I really don't want to talk to him about it because I know that there's nothing much he can say to help. He's damned if he does and sometimes he's damned if he doesn't. I feel really sorry for the husbands sometimes.

Aunt Becky said...

Men react so very differently to times of stress and it's so hard for US to deal with too. Dave is terribly different from me. He's a "fixer" whereas sometimes I just want to TALK about it. There isn't always a solution (sadly).

I admire your positive attitude, and I know how hard it can be to keep it up.

Marie said...

Well, I am not shitting rainbows but as I said it is a new day. Why should men get off easy though?

Io said...

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. It's good to remind each other of all the wonderful things you do have.

Morgan Owens said...

That was a very heartfelt post that I can relate to in more ways than you can imagine. Thanks, you helped me put my own feeling about Kevin into words. :)