Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Six Shooter

Continued from here

So as everyone ELSE enjoying their pizza I am playing with my Chicken's bath water. Eric offered me a bite of his pizza and I thought one little bite won't do anything so I partook. Ok it wasn't a little bite so much as half a slice but I did consume it in one bite so that counts right?

I still felt great. No pain, but no gas either.

I napped a little.

Then walked.

Drank more sprite and ate more ice chips.

Then after night nurse left and the baby and Eric were sleeping I had a teeeny little cookie.

Still felt great.

The next morning I am in the bathroom showering and I come out to a covered dish. Eric and the nurse were talking and I thought I am not touching that shit they probably dipped an egg in water and expect me to eat that. But as I got closer I realized it was EGGS, BACON, BISCUITS, JELLY, BUTTER. I start to get the tray ready and the nurse says, "That is your husbands plate since he gets one meal."


"What?" Where is Marie's bacon and eggs?!?!?!

You still can't eat if you have not passed gas. Have you?

"Yes, Yes I did".

"Are you sure?" (I am a totally bad liar) I hung my head in shame and said "NO, I still can't go but I feel great so I think I could handle some eggs."

"I can't give you anything your doctor insists that you pass gas first. You can ask him when he makes his rounds but let me give you something in your iv that might help you along. Keep eating your ice chips and drinking.

The Dr. came in and was checking me out and I was all I feel fine. Just don't have any gas.

You pass gas or no eat (My Dr is Korean, and I have no clue how to do a Korean accent in print so just imagine him talking in Korean.mmkay? Its funnier that way)

"Very important you pass gas".

"What happens if I don't?" I asked.

"You will"

"If I don't?"

"No food"

"So what if I don't pass gas and eat. What would happen?"

"You could get distended bowel"

I did not like the sound of that.

"We have to put tube down your throat or open you back up".

I REALLY didn't like the sound of that. Cue pure terror on my face.

Dr. left I started feeling rumblings in my tummy.

Then the first gas pain hit.


Then all hell broke loose. I started crying hysterically.

"Its the PIZZA AND THE COOKIES. I am getting distended bowel and I am going to DIIIIE".

"Conner won't have a mother because I couldn't listen to my Dr."

It was bad. I have never in my life felt pain like that. The nurse came in and everyone was instruct out of the room. My eyes were glazed over and I was loosing my shit people. Almost out of it so much that I didn't see the bag the looked surprisingly similar to the enema bag that assaulted me with the day before. ALMOST. "Wait, What's that".

I stopped my fit and locked eyes with my nurse and said "Please tell me that is not what I think it it."

She didn't back down, the scrappy little thing. "You have trapped gas"

I had NEVER heard that term but I didn't like it.

"We are hoping the enema will help you release it".

At this point I was in so much pain and in no position to plead or bargain so I did what I could do to assume the position. She not only administered the WHOLE bag but then had to ROLL me from side to side. It was the most undignified thing. EVER.

Happy ending though.

The gas was released and I am here to blog about it.

Funny asside. Did you know that the ice chips at the hospital have air blown in them? Yeah they do that for a reason. Ice chips ARE THE DEVIL.


Morgan Owens said...

Haha! I absolutely love this story! You're too funny! Glad you are back!! :)

kate said...

You poor thing! That doctor was CRUEL, denying a recently post-partum woman a meal! Man, that's one more thing I get to be wound up about now-- will they let me eat after the delivery ('cos I know I'll be starving)???

Marie said...

Kate, if you are a decent farter than apparently you wont have a problem.

To A T said...

Oh my! I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry for you! Just so you know I LMAO! HA!

Beautiful Mess said...

Goodness! That doesn't sound like fun at all! glad everything turned out OK and you're here to blog about it.

looking4#3 said...

So funny and so horrible all at the same time. I remember after having my daughter (c-section with a vertical incision) the gas was horrendous!! That was pain I could never have anticipated or imagined. No wonder I have 14 years between her and the next one!!! They had me on broth for 5 freakin' days. I was held hostage in the hospital for 9!!! It was torture!