Rest

So, I got the date wrong for my Dr appointment and it was today not yesterday. I was strangely excited and more prepared than I have ever been for an appointment. I made a list of all my concerns and questions. I waited in the lobby with all the pregnant people. I am sure that I was the only one that had makeup on and for bonus points I left my child at home.

So Dr. Do nothing came in and did the basic things for my annual exam. Listened to me for about 30 seconds, scribbled in my chart and told me to get dressed. As I was taking off the pink paper gown the tears started. I found a box of tissues and started working to compose myself as the Dr came back into the room

"Why are you crying" he asked. Well folks, I lost it. I ranted and spit and just well, lost it. I said I was tired of feeling that no one in the medical profession gave a rats ass if I ever got pregnant or not. I fumed that there was one Dr to check Eric's sperm and wanted a quarter of an IUI to do it. I went off.

So Dr Do a Little starts scrambling around for cards and referrals. Now there are 3 clinics that will test Eric's sperm at a fraction of the price and he is pretty sure insurance will pick up the tab. Also if Eric checks out to be fine then Dr. Do a Little More is concerned that scar tissue from my C-section may be hindering my tubes from working correctly and that laser surgery may be necessary. If that was the case he would personally handle the referral to a surgeon he knows that is the best he has seen. (He does not handle that kind of surgery)

I am super surprised that I didn't leave that office with some Zoloft because at one point I saw "commit this woman" in his eyes. I thanked Dr. Helpful for the information, paid my bill and headed to my car.

Next I called the insurance company and asked if sperm analysis was covered and if it is coded correctly it most certainly is.

When I got home I got on the Internet and started this post but could not put it in the right words. I did figure out twitter so check that out on my sidebar. And you can email me now so I look forward to hearing from you guys.

Instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself I took E skating. We got there and there is just something about a skating rink that soothes me. I think it is the great music that they play but I started skating and I could not stop. I went round and round for what seemed like forever. I was taken back with all the tunes to past times when I was a kid and LIVED to go skating every weekend.

I even had a smile on my tear-stained face. Then this started playing. Now I have really been wrestling with my faith for the last few years. Me and God have had a strained relationship since my parents' divorce. It has gotten even worse in the last year. I stopped talking when He stopped listening.

Well when Casting Crowns started blaring so did I. I bet people thought I was nuts cause I was really letting God have it. I cried, skated, yelled at God, I even said ..I am pissed at you. Now I know you are not supposed to say that to him but I was and well, still am. I said "you always let me fall". As sure as I am sitting here typing He said to me "I let my son die and looked how much I loved him" Silence......"Well I am still mad".

After that we had a lovely time and I guess I just settled down and let my mind rest.

When we got home I put E to bed and I called my Aunt and talked to her for a while. I was standing at my sliding glass door and looking back at me was the smallest little kitten looking back at me. I told my aunt I had to go and opened the door and he walked right in and started loving on me.

I just sat and cried. I am crying now. God did listen and he sent me a baby to hold in my arms even if its just tonight. This little guy is setting in my lap with his motor boat going resting.

Thank you God and I am sorry I said pissed to you. I think I will name the little guy Peter after his mama. I will try not to deny you again.

Oh yea, I will post pics just as soon as I can.