Finals

Here I sit on the last day of 2008, reflecting on all that has been thrown our way. I look at my blog and all the other's that I have had the pleasure of reading. I think of the many ways 2008 has bent me over. I also know that without the bitter I would not have the sweet. That is not really true. I can't think of one damn thing that being infertile has helped in other aspects of my life.

My marriage has been kicked in the face. My closest friendships have been strained. However, the worst casualty of this disease has been my loss of faith.

I am done.

I refuse to let this hurdle cost me everything that I have.

I will not let my depression get the best of me.

I have lived under a cloud for too long. Even when it is beautiful and sunny there is still that little nagging hint of sadness and I am so desperately tired of it.

I smile on the outside but Its been a very long time since I have smiled on the inside.

2009?

I will smile on the inside again.

I will make love to my husband when I feel like it and not because it is "time".

I can think of a million things that I want to be different but I think those two things are the most important for now.

We are taking E to Six Flags tonight for their New Years Party and he is so excited that he promised to take a nap. The thought of staying up till tomorrow is making him drunk with power.

If you see us there, E will be the kid running around crazy, and Eric and I will be the couple sitting on a bench drinking Red Bull.

Kiss my lily white ass, 2008!

Blog go bye bye

Sorry guys but I may delete my blog.

I love you all and I will still comment.

Reindeer Games

All right! Some ASSHAT put crackers behind my computer. I am not amused.

Its Christmas Eve!

I have a special visitor that decided to drop in at my desk for the holidays. I was sitting here with a client yesterday and a mouse ran behind my computer. I cleared my desk and almost landed in the poor man's lap.

I have serious issues with rodents. They move to fast, have beady eyes, twitch and they just scare the shit out of me. Right now I am sitting as far away from my desk as I can get and pause every few seconds to look around for my little friend.

I almost brought my cat to work but he doesn't like cars or stangers. I then thought about bringing E's bb gun but that wouldn't work because I am no where near a good enough shot. I can't work though. I keep thinking something is crawling up my leg.

I stayed up all night making goodies but I am scared to bring anything to my desk in fear that he will find a crumb and decide to live here. I only have to stay half the day so 1:00 can not get here soon enough.

I am doing pretty well with E not being here. Eric is taking me somewhere tonight at 9:30. Its a suprise. He seems to think its a good one as his exact words were, "I bet I get some tonight." It will have to be good because I have a lot on my to do list tonight and the last time I checked, he wasn't on there.

Oh the blood boiling

I just found my kid on the internet.

I just found my kid on his step-moms blog.

I don't know why I am so pissed about this. I am though. She started a mommy blog. She put his picture up. She didn't even ask. What if I don't want him on the internet. I am not putting on here for anonymous reasons. But if I blogged under my real name I probably wouldn't put him on here either.

Be truthful friends. Am I making to much of this?

The fertile bitch has 4 children.

Why does she gotta try to mommy mine?

She went on and on about how busy they keep her. She is NEVER alone with my son. By her choice. She throws a fit if he asks to come over there early when his dad is not home.

He has told me many things that make me feel that they do not have a close relationship.

I don't know if I should say something?

I know I am flaming pissed tho.

Am I making too much out of this? You can be honest.

This little piggy went to..

Good morning all. Today is the last day of school for E this year and the morning of his Christmas party.

I like to see myself in the middle of the mom spectram. I am not the head mom, who sews all of the kids close, always volunteers for room mom, I don't even have a PTA seat at E's school. But! There has been one thing that I have never missed for him. I always attend his school parties. I make something. I take pictures. Teacher get a good gift.

Until this year.

Some Ass hat decided to have the Christmas party at 8:30am. I work outside the home and my workday doesn't get started until 8:30. I can not take off mornings. There is no one to look in on things for an hour.

I is Sad!

So in order to participate in some way, I got up at 5:00am to make pigs in a blanket for the class.

Some of you may not know what pigs in a blanket are. They are sooooo good. First you will need:

Little Smokies (the kind with cheese in them)
Cresant Rolls
Knife (if you are fancy, you can use a pastry knife but I don't have one.)

You cut the cresant into three stips and roll the strips around the weenie(you know I had to put it in here somewhere.) Bake at 350 for I don't really know how long I just keep checking on them.

These are so good and E loves them.

I will drop them off on my way to work as E is with his dad until the day after Christmas. I is sad about that too but I will save that for another post. Probably a teery Christmas Eve one. I will also probably be snippy with the teacher and in a diplomatic fashion tell her what I think about having a Christmas party at 8:30.

But maybe not.

Everybody have a freaken fantastic Friday!!!

Lookey

Hey, look what I got!! Beautiful Mess gave me this great award. Here are the rules.

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

I present to you: The Bucket List



>
> Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and remove
> the (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends
> (including me). This is for your entire life!
>
>
> ( ) Been to Europe
>
> ( ) Been on a cruise
>
> ( x ) Gone on a blind date
>
> ( x ) Skipped school
>
> (x) Watched someone die
>
> ( ) Been to Canada
>
> ( x ) Smoked marijuana
>
> () Been to Mexico
>
> ( x ) Been to Florida
>
> ( x ) Been on a plane
>
> (X) Been lost (Physically, & MENTALLY)
>
> ( ) Been on the opposite side of the country
>
> () Gone to Washington , DC
>
> ( x ) Been to Vegas
>
> ( ) Climbed a lighthouse
>
> (x) Swam in the ocean (I dipped a toe in)
>
> ( X) Rolled in the snow.
>
> (x ) Cried yourself to sleep
>
> ( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington , D.C.
>
> (x ) Played cops and robbers.
>
> ( ) Been present in a confrontation where guns were pulled.
>
> ( x ) Been in a knock down drag out fight.
>
> () Flown a plane
>
> ( x ) Owned a boat
>
> () Watched grandchildren grow
>
> () Recently colored with crayons
>
> ( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby (breeders cup at Churchill Downs???)
>
> ( ) Been to Key West
>
> () Been to a rodeo (I live in TX. How sad is that?)
>
> ( x) Sang Karaoke
>
> (x ) Paid for a meal with coins only?
>
> (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
>
> (x ) Accused the family dog of flatulating
>
> (x) Made prank phone calls.
>
> (X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
>
> (X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
>
> ( x ) Danced in the rain
>
> ( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
>
> () Been kissed under the mistletoe
>
> (x) Had sex outdoors.
>(x ) Had a near death experience.
>
> (X) Watched the sunrise with someone
>
> ( ) Seen the green flash at sunset
>
> (X) Blown bubbles
>
> (x) Gone ice-skating
>
> ( x ) Owned a convertible
>
> ( X) Been in an outside hot tub when it was snowing

> 1. Any nickname ? Louise
> 2. Mother's name ? Peggy Sue (no joke)
>3. Body Piercing ? ears (I got stung on my ass by a wasp last summer)
>4. How much do you love your job? I so don't
>5. Birthplace ? Arkansas
> 6. Been to Hawaii ? No
> 7. Ever been to Africa ? no

> 8. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes
>
> 9. Ever been on TV? Yes >
> 10. Ever steal any traffic sign ? yes
>
> 11. Ever been in a car accident? Yes
>
> 12. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle ? 2 door (Dodge baby)
>
> 13. Favorite number? 4 >
> 14. Favorite movie ? Sweet Home Alabama
> 15. Favorite holiday ? 4th of July
> 16. Favorite dessert? Ice Cream
> 18. Favorite food ? >Pizza
> 19. Favorite day of the week ? Sundays

> 20. Favorite brand of body wash ? Bath and Body works
> 21. Favorite smell ? My Husband
> 22. How do you relax? TV
> 23. How do you see yourself in 10 years ? With my eyes

Ok, so here is the blogs that I love.

Mrs. Kate is a great read. Each post makes me want to put on my running shoes.

Pasiana - She is also always a good read. She is terribly funny and right now is doing a holiday recipe thing that I think is quite neat. Read- How to make Schwetty Balls (Imagine my best snoopy laugh here)

Aunt Becky- A woman who is a passionate about bacon as I. She is expecting her first girl to join her in the sea of Sausage in which she now lives.

Lola at Sassy Mama Says - Another Funny blogger who offered to share her stash with me so realy? How could I not (big fat puffy heart) her blog.

Candi at Ophelia's Revival- This woman has been through a ton of crap in the past few months and she still makes me laugh every day. That is a true gift. She is strong and brave and I truely look up to her.

Jen at Here We Go Again- Jen just crossed the finish line her in this part of the fertile blog world and welcomed sweet Elizabeth into her life. She is up to her elbows in Desitan and Baby puke so she can take her time in accepting this. I just want you to know, Jen, you have uplifted me on so many occasions.

So there you have it. Feel free to take the Bucket List onto your own blog and there are so many others that I love but I didn't have time to put all 423 of you on this post.

Kisses to all!!!

Plan's Change

This morning E was begging to go to his dads tonight and I was not having it. "You are going to be there all through Christmas. This is your last night home and you are not going and it hurts my feeling that you would even ask!" I started to feel guilty since he doesn't understand and just wanted to see his dad early like he has done so many times before.

I called his dad and he is out of town and will not be back until Wednesday. I told E and he decided he would just wait until his dad it home to go over there. His step-mom and baby brother are there but he really wanted to see his dad.

I got to work and was nursing my first cup of coffee and a friend comes to my desk and says, "did you hear?"

There was a car accident and a family we know lost their baby as they went off a bridge into a lake.

"Oh my God" I was completely speechless. This close to Christmas?

Their lives changed in an instant.

I have been walking around in a cloud of depression for weeks. Sad because of all the things in my life that I feel are not right. Sad for the things I want but cannot have. Angry over things I cannot control. Bitter over circumstances. Bitchy over small things that add up to nothing.

This man has two other children. They were with their mother because plans changed. They were supposed to be in that car. They were supposed to be with their Father.

In that car.

Things change.

We don't always get what we want.

Dad was probably sad yesterday because he was missing a scheduled day of visitation.

Possibly sparing the lives of his other two children.

Tonight I will hold my family closer.

Smell them.

Take them in.

What I do have it pretty great. I am going to be thankful for what I have today.

fa la la la la

I promise that I am almost done with my bitchy posts. Just a couple more days and I will be back to cotton candy and giggles. Well, I don't know if I am ever that cheery but hopefully, I will be somewhat tolerable.

I have been really ticked at how un-magical things are feeling in our home.

As I was heading to school last night I actually got a few moments to talk to Eric. He was all "Are you mad at me?" I'm all "nope"

"Yes you are."

"Why would I be mad Eric?"

"I dunno but you are."

"NO I AM NOT"

"Is it because I was sleeping last night?"

"NO!" (Hell yes thats why!)

"Well I know you are mad you even blogged about it"

" I am just frustrated. I know you need your sleep."

"I am not into it this year. "What if I told you I don't even care about decorating that tree?"

I had nothing to say. Honestly, I don't care either. E is going to be at his dad's for Christmas. I just feel like we have no Christmas spirit this year and it sucks. I started to get mad but that would not be fair since I feel the same way he does.

I have shopped, made Christmas cookies, had people over. I feel so empty and cold. Our family needs hope for Christmas. Or maybe some good weed.

Dear Janet

Look, I am happy for you and the little twins you will probably pop out. However, I have three requests

1. Keep the twins in.(Those are now going to be flabby pancakes that no one will want to see.

2. Keep them away from Michael.

3. Keep the wierd names to a minium please.

Muthur Fuu

I do not understand why I can't just have ONE FUCKING NIGHT go as planned.

My Christmas List

Snow
A Snickers Blizard from Dairy Queen(I always forget it when I am out)
The Twilight Series
Time to read the Twilight Series
A Hammack for my back yard
Toe Socks
A Scarf(totally don't need one unless I get my snow day)
Snow Day
All day to play in the snow with my child.
Ceramic Curling Iron
A dance with my husband
A really good kiss
One sick day where I am not really sick and I do nothing but bake and read.
A bra that fits perfectly and there is no third boobage in the middle.
The ritz crackers that are super crispy that I can't seem to find anymore.
The ability to be the vision of the mom and wife that I have in my head.
For my son to always now that he is loved.
For my husband to know the same.
For my mom to find love.

Oh yea...MY FIREPLACE FIXED!!

Festivities

Well we got our tree up but it is not decorated. We have a huge tree and seeing that Eric was still tired and E gave up about the third row of branches, I decided to wait until tonight to decorate.

As I am taking dinner out of the oven, E runs into the kitchen saying we have to have gingerbread cookies for school on Thursday. I say ok we will bake them tomorrow. He is all, "Woo Hoo, we making our own cookies. Most everybody else already sent their cookies and they are in packages, but we get to bake out own YAY". Well crap, I didn't think about buying them.

So my delima here is that I have never baked a gingerbread cookie. Can someone give me the easiest recipe they know?

We are going to wal-mart and I am hoping that I can find a kit of some sort.

I am getting over and cold and E is still complaining with his stomach. I sent him to school but if he doesn't make it then we will just have more time to bake our cookies and decorate our tree.

Feliz Navidad!

Big Fat Hairy Sigh

Being married to a day sleeper sucks big hairy balls. Looks like E and I will be putting up the Christmas tree alone.

Tummy Trouble

What can cure a stomach virus?

Reindeer Hat
Spongebob Candy Canes
Sprite
Snow Globe



He will be magically cured tonight when we put up the christmas tree and watch Polar Express.

Sshhhh

Me: I gotta go to that Christmas concert in a little while.

Eric: You can't go you are sick.

Me: I have to go I am getting a 100% for a test grade and I need that to at least get a B.

Eric: You better get ready.

Me: I am just going like I am.

Eric: Not if you are going with me.

Me: You are going with me?

Eric: I can't let you go alone you are sick and slightly drunk from nyquil and hot damn.

Me: Awww thank you.

I get ready and try not to look like ass (which is how I feel.) I shower and dress in a Christmas sweater. Fix my hair and put my best makeup face on. Stumble to the car and shove a stick of gum in my mouth.

We get there and I find my professor so she knows I came. I talk to a few people I know and we settle in our seat.

Eric: Honey

Me: What? (As I snuggle closer to him)

Eric: Try not to talk to anyone else ok?

Me: Ok..um why?

Eric: You smell like oranges and hot damn.

Me: Damn

What is it about the holidays?

What is it about the holidays that make me want to pop my husband's eyeballs out and put then in a glass jar and set them on my desk at work. We just had the WORST. POSSIBLE. NIGHT. EVER.

I love my husband.

I don't like him now.

But I love him.

I started getting sick about 3pm, and when I get sick I want Nyquil and Hot Damn. I left work and headed to the store to get my feel-better concoction. As I was jamming to Alvin & the chipmunks christmas, right about the time Alvin say hula hoop(awwwww), something went amiss with my car.

My battary light and brake light came on and I could not steer. I got off the interstate and tried to figure out what in the crap was going on.

Now, again, I love my husband. But, being that he is a day sleeper and had already showed signs of a crab today, I decided to call my father-in-law. As I was sitting in my car this little old man comes out of his house and starts looking at my car. He offers to let me use the phone book and his house is all warm and cozy and his wife is in the kitchen and it smells so good. I actually considered saying "Screw my car"
"Can I have a glass of cocoa and will you read to me?"

We discovered that my belt had broke. I don't know wich one but it was important. So I called for a tow.

Well, Eric showed up and took me where I needed to go while my in-laws followed my car home.

We had a fight over absolutely nothing. Read, Everything.

I ended my night at 8pm in bed crying while they watched Step Brothers (a movie I really wanted to see and had just purchased.)

I didn't have a bite to eat so I am sitting here eating last night's pizza and wondering what to solution to put Eric's eyeballs in.

Mum's the word

I love that stinkin TV. As if I needed yet another thing to keep my growing ass stuck to the couch. I am not going to tell Eric how great I think it is. If he thinks I am agitated about it he will do more stuff around the house.

Last night I lost my HDTV virginity and let me tell ya, it was better than the original de-flowering.

Have you SEEN Grey's Anatomy in high def??

HO HO HO

Me thinks Eric should kiss my ass. Get out the french maid uniform...

Why?

Why did you leave her?

Why did you leave a home, while not without problems, was loving and safe. And better yet, CLEAN.

Why did you throw away 24 years with someone that knows you better than you could ever know yourself?

Why did you tell me first?

Why did you tell me on Thanksgiving day?

Why did you stay outside on the phone all night in Wal-Mart parking lot talking to another woman while we stayed up all night cooking for you?

Why did you expect me to have lunch with you two and be her friend?

Why did you give her hope when you knew it was over?

Why did you expect me to sit with you as a witness in your divorce

Why did you meet someone so quickly that was so unlike her?

Why did you get married 3 months after your divorce and expect me to be in the wedding?

Why did you not notice that I came to the wedding blitzed out of my mind fighting back tears.

Why did you shove me on them every chance you got?

Why did you become dad to her children so easily?

Why did you become pepaw to him too?

Why did turn your career to shit?

Why is your house so gross that I can't stand eating there and letting my child play there?

Why are you so oblivious to the abnormalty that is your life?

Why did you not see me give up?

Where were you when my world started to shatter?

Why didn't you see when I stopped trusting in forever?

Why didn't you do something when I started hating God?

How can you still profess to be any kind of minister?

How can you not see how much you have hurt me these last few years?

How did you really expect Thanksgiving to go?

How do you ever think that she will be comfortable in the same room with you again?

How are you ever going to get back the years you are missing in our lives?

How is it that I do not hate you.

How do you sleep at night?

Why can I not ask you these questions?