Touche'

"Look I hung all my soccer stuff together for my next game."

"Well thats good but we have to wash it first."

"Why"

As I take a whiff I pass to him. "Here, smell this. Do you want to smell like this?"

He sniffs. "Well I am going to smell like that anyway when I am done!"

infertile Mertile

Today was supposed to be our first RE appointment and here I sit on my period. I didn't do the math before we set the appoitment but I soon realized my error and called. I am 3 days late so I was getting a little what ify but not in the junkie POAS way. I knew I was going to start due to my crazy pms symptoms this month.

I am really thinking about consulting a counselor as I have got to get out of this depression. I am not handleing things very well.

I am ok on the surface but if for one second I let my thoughts wonder then I am a basket case. I am really scared that I am going to totally loose it. There is this crazy woman just waiting to make a fool of the shell that is smiling and laughing.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

*"Two Flower Mound High School students were arrested after they dressed up in costumes and ran across the field during a football game. Oddly enough it was the banana chasing the gorilla. Police say they recommended sending the kids home to their parents, but school officials insisted on arresting the students for trespassing."

I just have to say that that is pretty freakin funny. Also damn the school for pressing charges!

I would be absolutely 100% proud of E for coming up with such an idea.

*found in E*ast T*exas D*aily news.

What to expect when you think you are crazy

Umm. I am little concerned that I might just need professional help. Midol.. not working so I switched to beer.

Mydol, Soccar,

Yeah this will be that kind of post. Call it a stew. A little bit of everything thrown together.

Yesterday was bad. I was really tired for some reason and could not stay awake. I got home and was so tired and teary and mean that I just went to bed. Does anyone remember that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra is pmsing and is so bad that Ray buys her midol?? Well, that was me. I think I did the best thing possible though, I called me best friend and talked for a good 45 minutes and went to bed.

This morning I feel like a million bucks, THANK YOU MIDOL. I am thinking I could be on the commercial. My flabby ass in a blue bikini asking for Brownies. Yes. It is going to be a good day.

E HATES soccar and I find it quite boring so do I make him stay in or just let him quit already?? The coach has made him sit out at least half of every game anyway so its not like he is letting his team down. I don't know. We are so busy but I had to go and make a big deal that if he signed up he had to play the whole season. So if I give in then he wins a silent battle of wills. However, we both win by not having to sit through 4 hours of soccar a week.

What would you do?

Why?

All my titles lately have been some kind of question. Why is that?? I am trying to get into NCLW but I don't have anything. Never fear as I always have some sort of fluff for you.

I feel if I continue right now I will surely put you to sleep. When I get some amusing material rest assured I will be back my pretties.

You will not have to wait long:

• Tonight is E's second soccar game and he HATES it.
• I have a snooty mom meeting this week
• I am experiancing TERRIBLE pms symptoms and Flo is right around the corner
• I have a huge zit that refuses to die..see bullet point #3

Welcome ICLWers, hee hee hee I said Wee-ers. Hope you all have a great week and I look forward reading and learning more about my fellow blogger buddies.

Double Standard

I have no problem exploiting my dog. This will be Norbit's costume this year. I am very excited. Petsmart has a deal today that you get 8% back on Ebates. I am probably one of that last people to get on the Ebates bandwagon but better late than never.

If there is another poor soul that has not signed up for Ebates I am deeply concerned for your over-all well being. I have 22.00 coming back already and I have just bought stuff I buy everyday. Pretty cool indeed. If you are feeling froggy sign up here and you will get $5 and I will get $5.

After signing up, head to Petsmart and get a great Halloween costume for your pooch.

Just don't get it too big with a crazy logo or I might just have to blog about you. I do have standards and civil duties to uphold.

Really?

I have been sitting here trying to find a way to say this without it being totally harsh. I mean I don't want to scare away readers but I feel that it is my civil duty to intervene.

Has anyone seen the email or myspace picture of the little chubby boy that is wearing an over sized t-shirt that says "I beat anorexia?" Well, I saw the live shot at a football game Friday night.

The shirt in question was pretty catchy and here is where I may loose a few but again...MY CIVIL DUTY. Ok. Back to the shirt. The shirt was a 2XL ,easy, on a eleven(ish) year old boy. It could have been a dress. Now this little boy had glasses and disheveled hair and was a little heavy. On the t-shirt was this saying.."Jesus died on the cross for Myspace in Heaven." Do you have the mental picture? Little boy, dress/shirt, turquoise in color, football game.

I may be over reacting here but that just screams pick on me. Its not the religious shirt...really...it is this religious shirt on the boy that swallows him and draws attention to his belly.

This strikes a nerve. Maybe it is because my mom dressed me funny too? Maybe I am just a bitchy, haggy, infertile? I just know that when I saw that kid I felt deeply sorry for him.

E,
I promise to never dress you in an over sized adult t-shirt that turns you into a walking billboard.

Its just WRONG.

Is it in the Water??

So I just had a very interesting conversation with my new RE's nurse. Its seems that there are a shit TON of women in my town that are patients at theirs. That may not seem abnormal but I live in a small town in east Texas and my RE is 100 miles away. I just wonder why there are so many in town with problems. Its just seemed to me that she was trying to tell me something. I may be paranoid.

Rewind to a couple of months ago..We received notice that our water did not pass some very important regulations and that no one with weak immune systems as in elderly, children, aids, or leukemia patients. I found this concerning and have been trying to use filtered, bottled water. We have many children with leukemia here. I think I am going to do a little research this weekend.

Another thing we talked about was my history. This was all done on the phone ,btw, with no charge to us yet. I really think I am going to love these people. Anyway, I had a c-section with E and at 16 had a laproscopy surgery looking for endo. Now I have mentioned this to my two gyno's here several times. Nothing..

Nurse said that her daughter had a child with no problems and then had to have an iui due to complications from the c-section. Now we may be dealing with factors on both sides due to mf. She also said that they have seen SA's come back differently all the time. Low counts can be for several reasons. My husband had been working all night and had not had any sleep yet. He was extremely nervous..etc. I am sorry Eric. I know we talked about not including you in blog and I am trying. At least I didn't tell them about.....jk

Ok now that I am single, I will finish my story. I absent mindedly made our appointment for cd 29 and as we all no Flo just can't seem to miss a visit then I simply can't have my lady bits exposed that day. So after talking about our schedules and such we have decided to put our appointment on hold until around the first of the year. It sucks, but I feel we will be at a better place financially and hopefully mentally.

As for today we are going to watch a high school football game and eat nachos.

Tornadoes

I am totally terrified of storms...I mean I get shit-faced and still hide in a corner and sob. Here is the conversation that took place at lunch.

Eric: "did you bring home a pizza"?

Me: "no, is there not something here you can eat?"

Eric: "No and we need to keep everything stocked for all the tornadoes we are supposed to have this weekend."

Me: Ummm What????

no answer.

Just checked forcast...shit...damn hurricane. I do not live on the coast therefore should not be in danger of this shit.

Polly Wanna Cracker??(Wordless Wed)

Confessions

I just posted on another blog and the words that I typed really startled me when I read them back to myself.

"Being infertile has mad me a much better mother but sadly, it has made me a worse wife."

I am doing farely well with pulling myself out of the pit of dispair that was last week. But I look at that statement and see one more thing that I have been robbed of. I am about to celebrate my 2 year anniversary with my husband and I am so happy that we are here. I remember laying in bed thinking about what it would be like to live forever with this man. The plans and dreams I had for us. How special and lucky I felt to find this love that I had wanted and needed my whole life. The way he looked at me when I was in the kitchen. The way he would come up behind me and just wrap his arms around me.

My marriage today? Well it is still beautiful and special. I am very happy. But if I analyze it? It is not a 2 year marriage. It has been shaken and stirred. We have walked on it and have left cups on it without coasters. No permanent damage but the white rings are there.

I love my husband. I thank God every single day. There are many times through this past year that I have no clue how he has stood me. But I am glad that he has.

I want to take back things that I have said but simply can't. I want to grow as a wife too. I don't know how to do that. I wan't to figure it out.

Me

My first vivid memory of my grandfather took place in a small country church in a close community of family and friends. The teaching of faith and humanity began the impressions of my childhood. Sitting there tucked in next to my grandmother chewing Wrigley’s Spearmint gum, I listened for the first time, fascinated by the hope and love I read in my grandfather’s face.

Many summers were spent with my grandparents. My cousins and I had many wonderful times playing in the homes that my grandparents called their own. We had lots of friends in the church and always had someone visiting. I made many trips with my grandfather to these same people when they were sick, hurting, or just needed his ear. My favorite day of the week was Sunday. My grandfather in his suit with the leather patches on his elbows and his cowboy boots (after all this is Texas) and my grandmother in one of her many dresses. After church there was always a dinner invitation and wonderful meal. Sunday nights would find most of us children curled up on a wooden pew while our grandfather’s words and “amen’s” hung in the air.

I find as an adult my grandfather’s instructions still have a way of centering me. If I have a burning question I got to my grandfather. Advice? He is the first person I call. Through my many road blocks and life struggles; I still seek the message of hope and love that I found so long ago, in my grandfather’s eyes that first Sunday morning

this is actually and exerpt from an english paper I had to write. I found that it was good blog material and will show another layer that is Marie. This is a poor representation to where I am now in my faith, but, I do feel this way about this man and I hope in the future I can get back to that place in my faith.

Day Dreams

Lets play a game...

If you could be anywhere for vaction right now then where would you be??

navel gazing at its finest: The Blog Book#links

navel gazing at its finest: The Blog Book#links

Hey guys,

I am not sure how this all works but check out this contest for a very good cause.

I plan to submit a story for the book.

I plan to submit this post.

Beans, Bean, good for the....

Me: "E, eat your beans they give you energy through protein".

E: "Oh, I thought they just made you fart loud".

Me: "umm, that too"

E: "Beans, Beans... "

Brownies

No not the chocolate, gooey, yummy but fatty ones. I mean the magical ones that come out and clean while you are sleeping. Oh how I wish I had my own team of brownies. I have been cleaning all morning and it sucks donkey balls. I have been letting my house go and my sweet little (huge) puppy said "enough, what can I do to make mommy clean house?" To answer the question; she decided to CHEW up everything while we were sleeping. She got my new cell phone (you know the cool new one that I can get online and check up with my darling bloggie buddies),Our comforter(ok because I have been wanting a new one for quite some time),some poor gutless stuffed animal, and the last pair of shoes that didn't have puppy teeth in them. So now I am sifting through the wreckage. I have insurance on my phone so at least I don't have to pay another $200 or so. I guess that will teach me to run out of raw hide chews huh? She is now outside like "hey, its Saturday and you are home so LET ME IN!!! Nope, not happening. If my little *norbit doesn't stop whining he is going to.

*Just to let you know the names of my animals have been changed for blogging purposes. They are slightly unusual names that might be a beacon light for those who know me so here is what I decided for pet names:

Norbit-My Chihuahua
Resfusha-My lab
Ragamuffin-Kitty next door that showed up in middle of night that new neighbors just got but can't find the time to take care of.
Junk yard Dog-Eric's cat that rules the roost and makes our yard a war zone for wandering pests and other animals.

Geez

I was just kidding.

AAAAAhhhhhhh...New Day, New Day

I swear if my marriage goes south due to infertility I am going to become a lesbian....any takers??

New Day

Good Morning all,
After spending the day wading through all the shit in my head I feel a ton better. Thank you all for your support and kind comments over the past week. I have been a terrible commenter but I will get better. Today is a new day. I realize that no matter what happens in my life I will get through it. I may not like it but I will get through it. I want things that may not happen but what I do have is pretty great. It is a little dirty right now and there are some holes but its mine and I love it. I will switch my focus on the people in my life that I do have and work on being the person that I was before that made my great life happen. Taking care of the family ties that I have and weeding this garden seem detrimental to growing.

My cousin and wife had their first baby and I went to the hospital last night. I was hard but as I held that sweet baby and those fingers locked around mine I realised that the only way this would be great to me is with my loving husband. Right now things are not so loving and I am very much to blame for that. I want him to adore me like he used to. But in his shoes I am not someone that I would want to adore. I am not taking his thoughts into account it has been very much about me and what I want. I never even considered us not sharing the same goals and the same dreams.

Our age difference makes us see things differently. I can not expect him to feel and act the way I do. If he did act exactly like me and am sure I would not love him as much as I do.

Whatever happens in our life I want it to happen together and with the magical love that we discovered with each other.

Instead of making myself crazy about what I do not have. I intend on loving and taking care of what I do have. Not forgetting my dream but making sure that my dreams are not the only ones in the relationship that happen.

My husband is dealing with the same things I am. He loves me. I know he does. Even when I make it hard. And Eric, Even when it seems like our love is so buried in all of our daily shit, I still remember the first day you said you loved me. I remember all the great things you have done to show me how special I am. We will get through this. We will love deeper and richer because of these things. We are forever and a day.

I hate her

I have been trying to get to a better place before I put another post up but ,sadly, I am not there yet. I guess I have so much swimming around that I just can't put it all on here. I just feel like I am drying up on the inside. I have a familiar numbness creeping in that I hate and hope with all my heart that it will go away.

Infertility has made me this whole other person. I hate her. She cries all the time and bitches about every little thing. There is a certain selfishness about her that makes the important things such as babies being born, unattended children, baby showers, hell even baby stores in the mall intolerable. Filling out the RE paperwork makes her inconsolable.

Simple every day tasks and important responsibilities are just things she does and there is very little joy even in them. She is pushing away her husband and she can feel it and sadly that numbness is making her not really care.

Tears are gone today as there are not more that can be produced. If I do not get a hold on this I am going to loose what I have and I know it. But right now? I just can't stop.

I pass people all day and even those directly in my life do not get it and it makes me not even want to care.

I have to shake this darkness but I do not know how.

There are other things going on that I can't even express on here adding to this. I think everyone around me well..I know everyone around me thinks I am crazy and I am I guess.

I do not think having a baby is going to happen and it hurts but not as much as everyone else's coolness about it.

See I didn't want to put all this word vomit on here but at least if you decide to leave and stop reading I will not know about it.