Ok this is going to be an extrememly whiney post so be prepared. I am nervouse about my research paper that I have to read in front of my entire english class in one hour. I worked on it all night last night. I have an excellent grade point average but I do not feel good about this due to professor issues.
That is not what is really bothering me though its the baby thing. I am having a hard time today and I know I am not the only one. Every woman that is posting about this trying journey is my hero. Your posts of sucess have encouraged me and the failed attemps hurt my heart. I just feel like its not going to happen today. I am lost and confused. I dont know what is wrong with me and the doctors do not seem to care. We live in a very small town with no specialists in the field. I have a clomid subsciption but as far as I know I am ovulating. My periods are normal. I have no symptoms of PCOS. I have no scar tissue that I know of so that rules out endo. I need to know something. I need someone to care enough to try to find out.
I am scared to take clomid because I am scared that something is wrong with me and I will have a miscarraige. I am not as strong as some of you. I know that I could not go through that.
I ache to give my husband a baby. I want to see him look at us in the delivery room with adoration in his eyes. I want to see E be a big brother. I want midnight feedings and diapers. I want to be a full time mother again. It kills me that I only have my child half the time. I want to feel needed 24/7 not just 1/2 of that. Sometimes when E is going on the weekends I feel lost. I want a complete whole family and I feel I dont have that right now. This is killing me.
I cant tell anyone in my family about this the only person that knows even remotely that I feel this way is my husband. I know he wants this to but he doesnt dwell on it like I do and sometimes frankly,, that pisses me off. I am sure he wants this more that he lets on but I feel very alone.