Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Ok this is going to be an extrememly whiney post so be prepared. I am nervouse about my research paper that I have to read in front of my entire english class in one hour. I worked on it all night last night. I have an excellent grade point average but I do not feel good about this due to professor issues.
That is not what is really bothering me though its the baby thing. I am having a hard time today and I know I am not the only one. Every woman that is posting about this trying journey is my hero. Your posts of sucess have encouraged me and the failed attemps hurt my heart. I just feel like its not going to happen today. I am lost and confused. I dont know what is wrong with me and the doctors do not seem to care. We live in a very small town with no specialists in the field. I have a clomid subsciption but as far as I know I am ovulating. My periods are normal. I have no symptoms of PCOS. I have no scar tissue that I know of so that rules out endo. I need to know something. I need someone to care enough to try to find out.
I am scared to take clomid because I am scared that something is wrong with me and I will have a miscarraige. I am not as strong as some of you. I know that I could not go through that.

I ache to give my husband a baby. I want to see him look at us in the delivery room with adoration in his eyes. I want to see E be a big brother. I want midnight feedings and diapers. I want to be a full time mother again. It kills me that I only have my child half the time. I want to feel needed 24/7 not just 1/2 of that. Sometimes when E is going on the weekends I feel lost. I want a complete whole family and I feel I dont have that right now. This is killing me.
I cant tell anyone in my family about this the only person that knows even remotely that I feel this way is my husband. I know he wants this to but he doesnt dwell on it like I do and sometimes frankly,, that pisses me off. I am sure he wants this more that he lets on but I feel very alone.


Jendeis said...

Just wanted to say thanks for posting on my blog and putting me up as one of your blogging buddies! Yay! Love your blog title!

Hope that everything goes OK with your research paper. I miss school so much. I'm such a dork!

Marie said...

Well if you really miss it I will just email you my assignments..;-)